curious girl

my intj week

2012-01-28T07:04:00.001-05:00

this week i got certified to administer and train the myers-briggs type indicator. it was a great training and i met some really great people. but i'm a homebody and i don't like being away from home for more than a few days, so i'm happy to be back. here are a few things i did completely in line with my type, which is intj (introverted, intuition, thinking, judging):

at the end of each (very full) day, i had to sneak out before people started making dinner plans with each other. i needed space and time to recharge. i needed to be alone, even in a crowd of strangers. i loved the training and liked the people, but that didn't matter. all energy i had for interaction was drained. each night, i took myself to dinner and did a little shopping. (introverted)

my favorite new place is sweetgreen. i love the vibe in the space and the organic and local salads. i am now on a mad hunt for at least one of those bright yellow metal french chairs. and they do a little trick which is helpful for greens-avoidant types like me: they put the good stuff (the grilled chicken, avocado, etc.) underneath the greens in the bowl. that way you have to make your way through the greens to get to the goods. i love this idea because i typically eat the top part of my salad and leave most of the greens.

at papersource, i got a smash journal and accoutrement (thanks liz!), some paper and art stuff. my "inferior" preference is sensing (practical, real, hands-on, concrete) so the art supplies will help me develop there...putting my ideas (intuition) into action making something (sensing). we learned a lot about how our type should ideally develop over our lifetime and in true j fashion, i started making a plan to develop my sensing function. in true n fashion, i imagine the art will be quite fabulous, because you should see it in my head.

working on my poor inferior sensing function has been added to my list of resolutions. one of the things i learned this week that rang so true for me is that as an n (intuitive), things are, were and always will be better in my own imagination. this is why i am frequently disappointed in vacations and other experiences. while i adore and can't imagine going without my rich internal world, this consequence of the n type has always bothered me. so i will be focusing a lot on the present and being in the actual experience.

good good things

2012-01-22T04:26:00.002-05:00

i spent my saturday afternoon in a house full of happiness. beautiful people aged one month to seventy-or-so years gathered to celebrate the second birthday of the most precious little girl. it's nourishing to be surrounded by healthy happy children and moms and dads who are loving, attentive and conscientious parents (provides a nice balance to my job). there was a lot of playing and laughing and piñata engineering. oh and ice cream cake.
today i am off to the d.c. area for a weeklong training to be a certified myers-briggs tester/facilitator. i'm very excited about this! have you done the myers-briggs? what's your type? i'm an intj.
thrilled that my hotel is next door to a whole foods and within easy distance of everything else i love: yoga, anthro, papersource. papersource!!! it will be good to be in the city for a few days.
the coaching is going well! my first week has been full of awareness and small-but-life-altering steps to wellness. i love my coach. she is intuitive and genuine and smart and funny. her name is meg. do you know her? if not, get to know her. you can thank me later.
the year of the dragon starts this week! i am a dragon baby. and a sagittarius. and an intj. go figure.
what is good with you?

oh hey there

2012-01-20T06:17:00.000-05:00

it's my blog birthday today. four years now of words and photos and connections. thank you curious friends. for visiting and looking and reading and saying hello and other grand things.

you inspire me to live a beautiful life.

winterlove {№3}

2012-01-16T18:12:00.000-05:00

i love the light that streams through our windows on sunny winter days. there are loads of trees surrounding our home and the light is filtered with leaves the rest of the year. but for now until about the middle of april, i'm enjoying the bright clear light.

i crank up the electric blanket, brew myself a cup of tea and settle under the sheets with a good book. winter's pace gives me freedom to really slow down and rest. i don't feel the same pressure to do as i often feel in warmer months.

the weekend doesn't feel long enough. i'm still waiting for a nice safe snow day. on monday, i had the dogs and my laptop in bed with me and watched all seven episodes of downton abbey, season one. have you seen this? i'm obsessed. i haven't thrown myself this far into a television show since sex and the city. i'm all caught up now and can't wait for sunday night to see what happens next.

stealing buddha

2012-01-16T07:26:00.003-05:00

this is one of my favorite photos. i shot it several years ago when i was learning about depth of field. a large print of it is hanging on my wall. i saw it this morning (well, an over-saturated photoshopped version of it) on pinterest and it was credited to a tumblr site. i followed the link and saw that the tumblr site credited it to a blogger that was not me. that site no longer exists. i then noticed that the photo was reblogged to about 212 other sites from the tumblr site. before i stopped myself, i saw that some of those sites gave no credit to the photo or even implied it was their own.

deep breath.

and another.

just the other day i thought, "get over yourself" when another blogger was complaining (again) on facebook about her photos being inaccurately credited.

so i am now saying it to myself:

get over yourself.

let it go.

detach.

the subject matter of the photo is perfect for this challenge. whenever i begin to study buddhism, my eyes start to glaze over when we get to the part about non-attachment. i like my things. i like my people. i like my ideas. i am not a good sharer. (just ask ken about the big bowl of popcorn that is mineminemine and get your mitts outta the bowl.) quite the lesson for me, right?

i realized that tracking down every single blog that posted my (um, the) photo was fruitless and a little stupid. i realized that the wild possessive streak that was heating up my body was quite ugly. i realized that buddha (even a miniature manufactured buddha) does not belong to me.

i realized that the image gives peace and happiness and color and joy to so many people who i will never know, who will never visit my blog and who may need to see it at just the right moment.

do i really need to be credited with that? it would be nice, but it's not necessary.

i'm over myself. it feels weird. in a good way.

and yes, i realize that this blog post is staking claim to the image. baby steps.

p.s. i still believe the kindest, most-likely-way-to-produce-good-karma thing to do it to ask permission and/or properly credit photos, especially when they are from someone who makes their living from their photography.

my good soul

2012-01-14T13:30:00.006-05:00

in my twenties, i was a single mom struggling to make a decent life in a little house in a not-so-great neighborhood bordered by the city of bakersfield, california to the north and acres of farmland to the south. i didn't have a lot of money and had no car for several years.

on sunday afternoons, i put mia in her stroller with the wonky wheel and we walked on a little stretch of highway 58 to a funky makeshift cafe in a converted liquor store next to a 7-11. it was run by a beautiful woman from bangladesh who had moved to california and joined the pentecostal church. during the week, she served typical american food. but on sundays, she made the most amazing hot and spicy chicken soup for two dollars a bowl. i can still remember her standing at the stove with her thick black hair in one solid braid that reached past her hips, dressed in a long flowery prairie dress, singing hymns in bengali.

i can't remember the bengali name for the soup. she translated it for me once, writing out "my good soul" on a napkin. i think she was trying to write "my good soup" but her english was shaky. she placed her hand on her heart when i spoke the name out loud.

indeed, this is where the soup worked its magic. after each delicious spoonful, the warmth would slowly bloom around our hearts. i had no health insurance at the time and i swear this soup, with its garlic and ginger and spinach and chili peppers, saved us. in those days, neither one of us ever experienced illness that required medical care.

the last time i went home to bakersfied (seven years ago now), i drove out highway 58 toward pumpkin center to find the cafe torn down; replaced by a car lot. i couldn't remember the name of the cafe. actually, i don't think it had a name.

for years i've tried to recreate the soup. it has taken much trial and error. for the longest time, i thought the little black seeds in the soup were poppy seeds. i recently discovered they are nigella sativa seeds. i've come pretty close to matching the taste and the healing effect. the soup is a lovely mix of south asian magic and american practicality. just like its original creator.

my good soul makes you feel instantly better when you are unwell or off kilter in your body or spirit. i try and use only organic ingredients. you can probably use mushrooms and vegetable broth in lieu of the chicken to make it vegan. this makes a nice big pot.

my good soul
three chicken breasts, poached and shredded
olive oil
nigella sativa seeds, about one tbsp.
mustard seeds, one tsp.
one onion, chopped
two celery stalks, chopped
two carrots, chopped
one head garlic, chopped (about twelve cloves)
two tbsp. chili pepper paste in the tube
two tbsp. ginger paste in the tube
chicken broth
two cans great northern beans, rinsed
baby spinach leaves
pumpkin seeds

use bone-in chicken breast with skin for the best taste. poach the chicken by simmering it in just enough water to cover, salt, pepper, chili flakes, rosemary and a bay leaf for about thirty minutes. set aside to cool before shredding the meat. reserve the cooking liquid; it's about three cups.

cover the bottom of a large pot with olive oil and heat until a seed dropped in pops. add the seeds and cook for about thirty seconds. reduce heat to medium high and add onion, celery and carrots. cook for about five minutes, until tender. add the garlic and cook a few minutes. add the chili and ginger pastes and stir well.

add about one-half cup of your poaching liquid and deglaze the pan. add the beans and your shredded chicken. add the rest of your poaching liquid and extra broth (or water) if you need it to fill the pot to two inches below the brim. bring to a boil. reduce to low, cover and simmer for twenty minutes.

add the spinach and stir in to wilt.

garnish with pumpkin seeds.

eat.

feel better.

*

p.s. it's difficult for me to get my recipes exact because i play when i cook. i encourage you to do the same. use all six of your senses when you make a meal. i use a le creuset pot, which gets pretty hot, so you may need to leave some wiggle room for cooking times. adjust the heat to your taste, this recipe is quite spicy. the nigella sativa seeds are pretty important here. if you live in a large city, you can probably find them at an indian food store or maybe whole foods. i ordered mine online, so if you're local to me and want to make the soup, i've got close to a lifetime supply and i'm happy to share.

winterlove {№2}

2012-01-13T07:23:00.003-05:00

one more workday loves, then i'm all about the coziness of home on this first really cold weekend of winter. the only things on my schedule besides yoga are reading and cuddling. and there's always the possibility of a fireside picnic.

stay warm and happy friday!

allowing help

2012-01-08T14:12:00.004-05:00

i have no problem privately asking for guidance from spiritual (i.e. imaginary) beings. i pray to my childhood jesus. a dashboard ganesh removes obstacles and danger from my commute. i softly touch the foot of the giant brass ganesh who sits at the door of my favorite indian restuarant. a sweet angel sits in my garden and protects my space. a tiny buddha stands on my desk to help me remember to stay balanced and flowy. these are my spiritual guardians, my little helpers, and they quietly remind me throughout my days and nights that i am being watched over and supported.

asking for support and help in the real world and from real people is not so easy for me.

since i so often fancy myself in the role of helper-protector-advisor and not one to be helped, protected or advised, it's difficult for me to admit when need help and guidance and support. i struggle to not view that as a less-than position. one of the biggest challenges for me in bikram yoga has been to stay in the role of student, listener, obeyer, truster.

one of my goals for the year (ahem, for my life) is to learn to ask for and accept help without shame or embarrassment. typically, i am a do-it-myself kinda girl and can be a bit of a smarty pants. i remember a time in my childhood when my only sense of worth came from knowing the answer and doing it first, right and best. and as i typed that sentence, it occured to me that this may still be partially true.

asking for and accepting help is akin to admitting i can't do it alone.

the reality is that there are certain areas of my life where i need help. i get bogged down in resistance and defiance, i emotionally overeat, i make other unhealthy choices when i am tired, excited, bored, pissed off. i tend toward isolation. i blur the concept of acceptance with giving up and becoming unconscious.

so i finally made the decision, took the leap and hired a wellness coach.

it's going to be a big challenge for me to stay true to my goal; to remain open and curious and committed to change. to trust the process and the relationship. it took me a while to find someone i wanted to work with. i'm happy with my choice, if not a wee bit nervous.

what about you? have you ever worked with a coach?

i'll keep you posted on my progress. for the time being, i'm making some space to allow help to come and to be at peace on the other side of the helping relationship.

winterlove {№1}

2012-01-05T05:19:00.000-05:00

so instead of going into hibernation mode (read: an unconscious seasonal stupor) this winter, i'm going to try to stay present and really appreciate the gifts of this much-maligned time of year.

up until tuesday, this has pretty much been a breeze. the weather has been unusually sunny and almost warm. i went barefoot outside on new year's eve. my neighbors are still peddling bikes around our little downtown. i've worn a coat three times.

i want to indulge in winter's traditional sensory pleasures: fires, hot soups, wooly socks, writing love notes on windows with my finger, snowball fights. i want to get outside and see it and touch it and smell it.

i want to take full advantage of the spiritual jobs of winter: resting, reflecting, observing, planning, healing.

i want to embrace the winterness of it all.

2012: the year of abundance and extraordinary things

2012-01-01T06:22:00.000-05:00

there, i said it.

picnic {№11}

2012-01-01T05:43:00.003-05:00

here is a rule i live by: when it's the last day of december and seventy sunny degrees outside, you must have a picnic.

a new years eve picnic turns out to be an incredibly peaceful and sweet way to end the year.

so i paid homage to my parents' swinging nye parties (also in the seventies) by making classic cheese fondue. it's super easy to pull together for an inpromtu little feast in the backyard. a little cheese, a little wine, a dash of grated nutmeg is pretty much it. for dipping: sourdough bread, chicken sausage and apples.

are these not the most beautiful olives you have ever seen?

and of course, some bubbles. my favorite sparkling wines are sofia blanc de blancs in the wee pink can or a spanish cava. my market was out of sofia so i went with the cava. pink. sipped through a straw.

ken joined me in choosing a word for 2012. i made little cupcake toppers for the occassion.

him: balance. me: abundance.

one of the issues with having a picnic in our backyard is managing our pack of beasts. luca, the wire fox terrier, uses the table as his lookout on an everyday basis and kept trying to jump up during our meal.

we finally let him up at the end to take care of the tiny bit of leftover cheese in the pot. (yes, i know this is why they are beasts. because they are spoiled and get their way.)

simon is a chubby corgi with really short legs, so he can't jump on the table. he was happy with a tiny bite of sausage.

roxy the cairn terrier pulled a greta garbo and remained aloof and out of camera range.

i wish you all a beautiful, colorful and abundant new year filled with love and beauty and grace and picnics.

if you would like to choose a word for 2012, susannah conway has a wonderful way to explore, click here. i love hearing others' words, so please share.

also, my absolute favorite new blogger, meg worden, has written an exquisite bit on nourishment. please click here to read. it's brilliant. truly, i believe it has become my manifesto for a beautiful life.

i was here

2011-12-30T06:04:00.000-05:00

thank you 2011. you gave me lots of solid ground upon which to stand.

little rainbows everywhere

2011-12-27T05:51:00.000-05:00

sometimes i fantasize about living in shades of white, grey, stone and wood. but then i have a funky day and am cheered by color in nearly every corner of my home.

loot was had

2011-12-25T09:33:00.001-05:00

it's true, i can go from spiritual to material (and grateful) in zero-point-four seconds.

i hope your christmas bounty was awesome too.

happy day!

{illuminé}

2011-12-24T10:14:00.003-05:00

making space for the sacred on this christmas eve.

peace, love and light to you and yours,
lisa

christmas color friday: black

2011-12-23T05:48:00.000-05:00

happy christmas weekend friends. i hope you enjoy silent nights, campfires with s'mores, cuddling with those you love, releasing all shadows from 2011 and opening to all the wonders and beauty of 2012.

christmas color wednesday: gold

2011-12-21T05:37:00.000-05:00

sacred heart cold and lonely outside.

christmas color tuesday: red

2011-12-20T06:58:00.002-05:00

i really should wear more candy stripe.

(and technically, this does not count as a color week photo, i was super busy yesterday and unable to find some red.)

christmas color monday: silver

2011-12-19T06:35:00.000-05:00

stars were spilled. pretty much sums up my weekend: clumsy and magical.

just what i needed

2011-12-16T04:51:00.001-05:00

a gigantic mug of dirty chai.

and a little christmas color project:

my friend annie at clarity and grey (beautiful mom and photographer) is hosting a christmas color week next week. please join us by celebrating and capturing the colors that are bringing you joy this holiday season.

monday :: silver and white
tuesday :: red
wednesday :: gold
thursday :: green
friday :: random (oh how i love a wildcard day!)

hey there friend

2011-12-11T07:28:00.001-05:00

have a piece.

december views {№3}

2011-12-10T08:02:00.000-05:00

welcome:

winter sunshine
eclipse magic
weekend mischief
paint and paste and other goo
holiday cocktail taste tests
rest and movement

december views {№2}

2011-12-07T05:29:00.000-05:00

on and in the tree.

december views {№1}

2011-12-04T06:03:00.001-05:00

my man. mister anthropologie.

sweet december

2011-12-01T05:18:00.002-05:00

be tender with me, month of mine.

every year you come around and i think about birthday dinners at shakey's pizza or happy steak and then homemade cake at the house. i can see the angelfood cake on the kitchen counter turned upside down on a coke bottle to loosen it from the pan. i liked to lick the strawberry frosting off the candles after the singing, the wishing, the blowing.

also:
wood fires.
mexican cocoa.
unwrapping a homemade tamale.
the tink-tink-tink of the christmas lights knocking together as dad climbed the ladder to the roof.
the good-natured swearing under his breath.
i held on to the bottom of the ladder to make sure he was safe.
the pink-red camillias that bloomed in the backyard.
pomegranates split open on the tree, ready for devouring.
the whir of the heaters in the almond groves.
barbie and skipper stopping by the nativity to pay their respects.
paul anka on the turntable.

remember when we would pile in the car with thermoses of chocolate to drive around and look at the lights? i always fell asleep in the backseat to the soft sound of mom and dad talking about their own childhoods.

remember that time when i was twelve and wished i was invisible? you conjured up fog for days, so thick that it devoured the valley and i safely disappeared from sight.

thank you for that.

just like me you have a raw edge and a bit of an unexpected bite, while at the same time your capacity for story, wishes, comfort and imagination feels limitless.

every year you come around with the best gifts. these memories of you and i playing quietly together, dreaming and becoming the brightest among december girls.

{that twitch of mine}

2011-11-30T11:15:00.001-05:00

i impulsively snap photos of ordinary objects around my house. especially when the light is just so. i am grateful for that.

{my reality}

2011-11-28T06:14:00.000-05:00

today i am grateful for a few things that i get grumpy about, but are my reality and in fact really good things:

a job for which i am well paid with health insurance and retirement.
my body. it gets the job done.
my brain. i often wish it could do more but relatively speaking it's quite awesome.

{food}

2011-11-25T11:18:00.000-05:00

whole. beautiful.

{softness}

2011-11-22T06:34:00.001-05:00

i am grateful for the ability to return to softness in a harsh world.

{the little things}

2011-11-21T05:49:00.001-05:00

grateful for:

a good haircut
used books
a clean house
being too busy working and living to even slightly entertain the thought of protesting for or against something strongly (protesting makes me tense)
silence
picking at a pomegranate
raking leaves
sweet emails from new and old friends
planning a thanksgiving meal (i like the planning better than the fixing; possibly better than the eating)
luca's thundershirt

{this day}

2011-11-18T06:55:00.006-05:00

i have many jobs:

yogi
practitioner of the gratitude arts
reader
corgi petter
photographer
winker
forest afficionado
messy painter
thrift store wanderer
lover
napper exraordinaire

and not a one involves hurt children, confrontation, frustration with the mortified-at-penn-state-public-who-don't-get-that-it-happens-every-freakin'-day-to-hundreds-of-children-and-we-are-all-culpable-because-we-choose-denial-and-disbelief-and-support-of-a-system-that-pretty-much-requires-an-eyewitness-and-even-then-makes-it-nearly-impossible-to-prove.

(ok, i feel better now. just needed to say it.)

venter

{practice}

2011-11-16T05:05:00.001-05:00

it's a stretch when i write that i am grateful for practice. let me just say that i am grateful that i am getting better at recognizing opportunities for practice before situations become so complex, overwhelming or dangerous. this week i am practicing:

staying grounded while being thrown under the bus
by someone i trust
defending myself without fighting
thinking before speaking
humility
not hating myself even though i gained two pounds after a week of conscious eating, yoga, walks and pilates
feeling alone without feeling unworthy
choosing love over fear
gratitude during a less-than-happy week

{beauty}

2011-11-14T05:41:00.000-05:00

grateful for all that is beautiful in my little world. and the ability to see it.

{brave+beautiful}

2011-11-13T09:09:00.000-05:00

grateful for sunny fall weekends full of art, chai, reading, naps and yoga to balance out the ugly.

{aqua}

2011-11-09T06:05:00.004-05:00

the sea faded by afternoon sun.

turquoise stones sold roadside by an ancient yokut.

blue skies tinted green from exhaust or old film.

the tile mosaic in the mission fountain.

a girl's hair on melrose.

from the airplane, the backyard pools look like teal polkadots.

the color of california.

the color of home.

grateful for bella's 52 photos project.

{space}

2011-11-08T05:40:00.003-05:00

                                                  i

                                                          am



                                                  grateful

                                                                                              for

                                                                                 space

   to
                                                   think

                           and

                                                                              explore
            my

                          own

                                                          inner

                                                                                        landscape.

{optimism}

2011-11-07T06:08:00.001-05:00

so i had one of those great weekends where everything seemed possible. everyone's energies were in sync and the mood was clear and bright. i had space and time for yoga, art, cooking, photography, cuddly naps and talks. it was effortless. i am so grateful for these gifts.

i painted frog girl on the cover of my 2012 planner and in a wildly enthusiastic fit named it 'the year of extraordinary things'. i am so very grateful to mindy; she taught me to paint and gave me the courage that goes with it. the courage to play and make mistakes and try again.

i am also grateful to pixie. in her class about animal spirits at serendipity, i pulled the frog card. at first i was slightly disappointed in my selection. i was hoping for something a bit more majestic, like bear or mountain lion or wise like owl. maybe something beautiful like peacock. nope. frog.

but the more i learned about frog spirit, i realized she is exactly the totem i need at this time in my life. she is about metamorphosis and transformation and cleansing and healing. she is about joy, creativity, abundance, voice. frog clears negativity from space, internal and external. frog is sounding quite nice now, isn't she?

so on this monday morning, i'm pulling on my imaginary frog hat to see if i can hold on to the optimism throughout the day once i leave the beauty of my little magical pond.

happy monday friends.

{autumn}

2011-11-06T05:10:00.001-05:00

always grateful for the color and experiences of autumn. this morning in my backyard the sun rose across the wee forest illuminating hundreds of tiny falling leaves of red, yellow, orange and green. there was a soft scent of woodsmoke and the sound of birdsong and distant church bells.

it. was. awesome.

{safety}

2011-11-05T05:29:00.000-04:00

after waking from terribly scary dreams, i am so grateful to live in a safe home in a safe neighborhood.

{opportunities}

2011-11-04T05:02:00.000-04:00

grateful for past and future windows of opportunity.

{spirits}

2011-11-03T05:52:00.000-04:00

i am grateful for the many canine companions i have had throughout my life.

best. friends. ever.

{faith}

2011-11-02T05:51:00.000-04:00

i am fascinated by how people express their faith. while some organized religions scare the bejesus out of me, i find comfort in most avenues of worship and enlightenment.

regular churchgoing is not for me and i live in a town where christianity has its own "special" flavor that turns me off, but i grew up believing in jesus and heaven and there is a part of me that still does. yesterday, i was attending a memorial in an episcopalian chapel and surprised myself by still being able to recite psalm 23 by heart.

now i believe in and have faith in other things as well. it's pretty much a multi-denominational party on my path. i love the teachings of the buddha, native american spiritual practices and the yoga sutras. but there will always be a little girl inside of me that sees herself as a fluffy lamb at the feet of a loving jesus.

i am grateful that i have faith in love and tomorrow and forgiveness and growth.

{all souls}

2011-11-01T05:39:00.001-04:00

tomorrow is all souls day. and today is the first day of my month of gratitude. i like to remember those souls who walked a bit with me on this path with gratitude for what they taught me.

grandpa w showed me the joys of rollerskating and a good baseball game and to always have a little mystery about you. (later in life i found out he was briefly married to a german circus performer before my grandma. cool.)

john b was the boy we all wanted to grow up and marry. he was devastatingly handsome even in the first grade (think donny osmond). he was funny and friendly. he blew his brains out with a rifle when we were nineteen. i have a vivid memory of side-by-side i-can-swing-higher contests on the playground. to this day when i swing, he swings.

leesha b just got her drivers license when she died in a head-on collision on a windy desert road at twilight. no matter how great it's going, it really can all be gone in a second. cherish it.

mark ran up all eight floors of the padre hotel and hurled his body off of an open balcony. everybody has demons, some big and some small. it's our job to work them out.

cece (not her real name) was a foster child on my caseload. she had stage four bone cancer. cece taught me that even though your tumors are growing so fast others can hear your bones breaking from the inside out and even though you know you are dying before you even get to live your life, having your toenails painted with glitter and talking about leo dicaprio can bring a smile to a girl's face.

there are others. too many others. i may return to this page and add on as i think about them throughout the week and remember the lessons they lived.

today

2011-10-28T16:58:00.001-04:00

i yearn for the soft metallic light of the sunrise over the atlantic.

for the joy of discovery.

for the playful chatter of gulls and pelicans.

and the peace that only the ocean can provide.

*****

my community lost a gentle soul today. he was a good good man and a great judge.

i imagine he is in a place surrounded by all these gifts of the sea. a place where each child is loved and safe.

serendipity part two: color

2011-10-26T16:19:00.005-04:00

{captured while at serendipity.}

serendipitous

2011-10-24T18:48:00.003-04:00

i needed rest and peace and space and creating and connecting with kindreds.

i received this and so much more.

i'm still softly resting in a good internal place so i'll apply what i learned in kate's writing class and not let the words get in the way of the story.

{captured while at serendipity.}

morning views

2011-10-24T09:15:00.001-04:00

yesterday: this mightiness.

today: a wee forest exploding in autumn color.

tomorrow: the rearend of the car in front of me on the drive to work.

the trick is to soak each in with gratitude and accept the gifts as the day unfolds.

it's official

2011-10-15T09:15:00.000-04:00

i'm on vacation. lots of yoga, art, laughter, friendship, autumn beauty, self-care, roadtrips and rest in the works. it's all about balance my friends.

we made art

2011-10-12T05:26:00.000-04:00

autumn lovefest

2011-10-09T12:45:00.004-04:00

two perfectly lovely autumn weekends in a row.
computer-slash-camera issues successfully resolved (and now i am poor).
lots of good reading in the meantime.
one more workweek until art-yoga-beachy vacation.
thinking about fondue for dinner.
followed with cozy lovechat by the campfire.
possible storytelling.
definite stargazing.

circles

2011-10-05T05:51:00.001-04:00

believe me when i tell you i am obsessed with silver balls.

for bella's 52 photos project: circles.

p.s. looks like i'm going to be shooting with the iphone for the next few weeks. major computer crash and canon issues at the same time.

hello october

2011-10-01T14:21:00.002-04:00

you are perfect. today you have hit nearly all of your adjectives: crisp, clear, breezy, colorful, cozy, delicious. i don't think it can get any octobery.

you are so perfect that i'm not even minding blogging from this crappy old laptop because my computer took a dive. you inspired me to go with the flow and not freak out. you inspired me to say what i need. out loud. you inspired me to make a grilled cheese and apple sandwich on cinnamon bread. you inspired me to paint. you inspired me to add an extra blanket, open the window and fall asleep with the leaves softly rustling outside. you inspired me to take a cup of darjeeling and a book to the backyard and let it all go. and it's only 2:30 in the afternoon.

we're off to a good start.

oh hi there

2011-09-28T05:36:00.000-04:00

still summer-ish here. what about you?

ready for autumn

2011-09-18T16:26:00.002-04:00

ready for:

double-spice chai
grilled tomato and goat cheese on sourdough
that first soft scent of firepit smoke
tending to dreams
talking in the backyard, wrapped in a blanket
socks and boots
serendipity!
honeycrisp apples
sixty-five degree days
practicing mehndi on pumpkins and arms and pretty much any available surface
riding my rainbow bike (sneak peek coming soon-it's awesome)
a picnic with cheese and figs and champagne

what are you looking forward to?

me by mindy

2011-09-17T06:29:00.003-04:00

everyone (and by everyone, i mean my mom) always tells you that you need to be friends with 1) a mechanic, 2) a doctor and 3) a lawyer. these relationships don't seem to be bearing friendships in my life.

i'm drawn to poets, storytellers, hoolahoopers, yogis, stargazers and artists. truth is, i'm working on being a card-carrying member of this group. for now, as i toil away in the realm of the doctors and the lawyers with their diagnoses and laws and arguments and blame, i allow my creative friendships to nurture me and fill me with hope. i love seeing their lives and their work blossom in the warmth of the sun. i love being there in their quiet periods and observing how their muses flutter between and among them like graceful powerful fay.

i love how artists see me. they see the good and tell me and show me. even my nasty bits carry a sheen of mythical power. for that, i can't thank them enough. it saves me.

this painting of me is by the very talented and magical mindy lacefield. she sees a girl who has hope, who loves and trusts people, who believes in things like smiling and laughter and play and forgiveness despite the truths that she knows.

thank you true friend.

it's the truth

2011-09-14T05:57:00.001-04:00

the sweat: bikram yoga. try it. my body and spirit can't live without it.

the tears: i prefer dying-of-laughter tears, but the other kind does the job as well.

the sea: to this day, my "happy place" is exploring california tidepools with my dad.

the writer: she's one of my heroes. with her moody adventurous storytelling self.

{for bella's 52 photo's project.}

today and for the rest of your life

2011-09-12T05:29:00.000-04:00

i'm feeling the need for a love week.

on september eleventh

2011-09-11T07:45:00.000-04:00

i let go of the past and enter a new decade of

choosing love instead of fear
choosing whole foods that feed my body instead of fake foods that stuff down my feelings
choosing yoga instead of facebook or tv
choosing quiet wisdom instead of having to prove my point
choosing stillness instead of manic to-do-ness
choosing words of peace instead of words that divide
choosing courage instead of silence
choosing connection instead of isolation

some days

2011-09-10T10:21:00.004-04:00

i truly feel my life would be complete only if i spent $1800 on a vintage brass lotus chandelier.

that may come across as shallow, but i spend my work week absorbing children's trauma and hopelessness and holding and sorting all kinds of bureaucratic chaos. i could simplify my job description by only seeing the good and trying really hard to look good, as many in my profession do, but i choose to see and say the (often ugly) truth and stand for what's right. stupid girl.

some days only the prettiest things can make me feel like it's worth it. this object of art is uncomplicated and unfeeling and unblaming and solid and just is what it is: beautiful. it needs nothing from me but for me to gaze adoringly.

farewell summer

2011-09-05T07:29:00.002-04:00

it was the summer of things i did not do:

i did not go to paris
i did not do yoga every day
i did not take a roadtrip every weekend
i did not miss oprah (not one bit...is it safe to admit that yet?)
i did not grill out
i did not find a new job
i did not take a lot of photographs
i did not give up dairy
i did not finish anything
i did not beat myself up for not doing anything
i did not find summer inspiring in the least

autumn, you're my girl.

let's do it.

the long weekend

2011-09-03T13:28:00.000-04:00

enjoy every second of it.

september is the new january

2011-09-01T06:37:00.001-04:00

back-to-school was always one of my favorite times of year. in my day (i've always wanted to say this) the first day of school was always the day after labor day. i can't seem to get used to seeing kids waiting for the bus in the middle of august. that's just wrong.

september always brings out my studious and rebellious selves. there's just something about all those khaki uniform pants that make me want to wear things like rainbow platforms and see-through ponchos! but more importantly, i'm drawn to blank pages waiting to be filled with new exciting information and ideas. i want to be stretched and challenged and opened to new possibilities and knowledge. i'm ready to move and grow.

today's the day. what are you wearing?

august break {№14}

2011-08-30T05:55:00.000-04:00

i love it when marketers get it right. thank you boden, for my personalized uppercase-magazine-esque fall catalog.

dear obx

2011-08-28T06:47:00.000-04:00

i pray you slept safe and sound.

you are beautiful.

see you in october.

love,
lisa

a curious girl

2011-08-27T08:32:00.000-04:00

{image sources unknown; discovered on pinterest.}

august break {№13}

2011-08-23T05:58:00.000-04:00

don't you love those mornings when you wake up with a sense of grace and purpose and equanimity?

now to practice holding on to it...

august break {№12}

2011-08-22T05:50:00.000-04:00

how to be loved: choose a man who leaves you sweet notes constructed from game pieces.

tiny memoir

2011-08-21T06:24:00.005-04:00

she wears a vintage chartreuse crinoline, a wifebeater, a black cardigan and six long strands of faux pearls. her heels fall on concrete that yields from the heat earlier in the day and produce a cushioned beat that is more bass, less drum. her gait quickens in anticipation as she turns the dark corner and sees them at the front chatting with the doorman under the soft illumination of blue neon.

inside the music is loud, talk and laughter flow freely, the boys are sweet and naughty and so uncomplicated. everyone knows or is about to know everyone else. this floor is not for partners, everyone dances with everyone else. it is for belonging and forgetting. it is unrestrained yet safe. delicious, wild and instinctive.

years later she will wear the skirt as part of a halloween costume and see the tender smile of a boy in her mind. she can't remember his name, just that he talked of culinary school and moving north to napa and that they casually kissed goodbye over a crowded noisy table. those nights are so distant, the freedom so foreign, that she is in third person.

dance hall days love.

august break {№11}

2011-08-19T06:35:00.001-04:00

sometimes the ugliness of my work overwhelms my heart and my life and there is no room for light and joy. sometimes i have to stand in others' trauma and chaos and i struggle with maintaining my own sense of goodness. working on this...

august break {№10}

2011-08-15T06:35:00.000-04:00

today is the day i start yearning for autumn. every. single. year. farewell summer!

august break {№9}

2011-08-12T05:49:00.002-04:00

august break {№8}

2011-08-10T05:40:00.002-04:00

upon reflection it appears i am indeed one lucky girl.

and quite grateful.

{for bella's 52 photos project.}

august break {№7}

2011-08-09T05:49:00.002-04:00

needed: less nap, more pep.

august break {№6}

2011-08-08T05:29:00.000-04:00

it's going to be a crazy week. sometime around 2pm today, i'm going to be missing sunday afternoon naps with luca.

august break {№5}

2011-08-05T06:01:00.002-04:00

a band of merry girls wishing you a happy happy weekend.

august break {№4}

2011-08-04T06:07:00.002-04:00

today i am misty.

august break {№3}

2011-08-03T06:17:00.000-04:00

old and long forgotten: a girl's dream of being a writer.

for bella's 52 photos project.

august break {№2}

2011-08-02T06:08:00.000-04:00

tuesday is a good day to manifest it.

august break {№1}

2011-08-01T06:01:00.000-04:00

the humble beginnings of an art studio.

this weekend

2011-07-29T19:58:00.003-04:00

consider expressing your love in a letter.

writing a letter to my adolescent self was cathartic.

betty lived in my childhood neighborhood and always let the neighborhood kids swim in her pool. as an adult, i had a sudden memory of her pool and felt regret that i never thanked her (i saw myself shamelessly splashing about in the water and then eating her homemade ice cream and then running with her three-legged dog in her yard without regard to her). i tracked down her full name and address and sent her a letter thanking her for her kindness. she wrote back (i lived across the country at the time) with the most heart-felt expression of love and wrote in her shaky handwriting that i was the first who thanked her for generosity. she said that seeing happy children was thanks enough, but it was wonderful to be officially recognized. is there someone from your story with whom you could share your gratitude?

you know how good it feels when you get a little unexpected sticky note of sweetness? it's easy to do it for someone you care about. or leave anonymous notes in public for a stranger to discover like kindness girl does.

have a beautiful summer weekend friends!

le chocolat

2011-07-27T07:45:00.001-04:00

so here's a weird thing: i don't prefer chocolate in the summer. (i went for the basil.)

i do like bella's 52 photo project all year long. it's yummy.

letter to 14-year old me

2011-07-26T18:24:00.005-04:00

(that's me in the middle)

first of all, can i just say that i admire you for smiling even though you were always in a state of growing out some hair experiment (bad perm, trying to lighten your dark hair with sun-in, "temporary" blue dye, etc.)? your adventurous spirit is inspiring.

second, it makes me a bit sad when i see you here and know that you felt you were fat. i think this was the one-meal-a-day of chicken broth and plain baked potato period. thank you for eventually learning to love good food and treating your body with respect.

i love that you carry a trapper-keeper. its presence here forecasts your talent for organization. there will be many a binder in your future.

you have good friends who share a history with you. you will swear to be best friends forever and sit up nights making grand plans to attend university together, have a double wedding and play tennis on the weekends after you have children. what you do not know yet is that you will move on to different friends with different plans and another type of swearing. you do not know that you will not see or speak to some of these friends for decades or longer. and a few of them won't make it to university or their own weddings, let alone the tennis courts. thank you for being loyal and listening and having a laugh with them. thank you for seeing them and accepting them. thank you for being their student and their teacher, for honoring each relationship for what it offered at the time. and for knowing when to move on before the friendship was ruined.

your smile is engaging. everybody says so. you and i know that it hides secrets and hurt and deeds that you think are unforgivable. or even worse, unremarkable.

i love that you went to a green high school with octagonal buildings.

a few bumpy decades lie ahead of you. you will do some dangerous things. you will become a mother much too early. your heart will be broken not once, but twice. you will become practiced with that smile. you will learn not to trust. and then slowly learn to trust again.

here's something remarkable: one day you will look back and honor all the mistakes, misteps and misadventures. turns out they make for a pretty interesting life. i'm really happy you came through, not entirely unscathed but certainly unbroken. strong. and soft.

i can't think of anything to warn you about or advise against. you will take risks and have a lot of fun and pay a price. sometimes you will be too careful with your heart. other times you will be too careless. you will love people and then think they didn't deserve your love, but they did. you will throw yourself into experiences with wild abandon, then quietly tiptoe away before the party is over. you will read many good books and dance away many nights. you will embarrass yourself time and time again with your wit and your loud mouth. you will save an acquaintance from suicide but not know how to soothe a crying baby. you will always be comforted by sitting with a dog. each time you watch the sunset, your breath will catch in awe.

i can tell you to be authentic (and that you really don't like tennis), but the process of life...experience, editing, observation, reflection, awareness...will show you how. i can tell you to be patient but this may be the thing you never learn. i can tell you to love wide open, but you can't help this and do it even against your better judgement.

you will really enjoy this journey to fullness.

i'm really proud to know you. to be you.

love,
me

picnic {№10}

2011-07-24T08:22:00.005-04:00

picnic ten was also a (many-times-delayed-when-was-our-last-date?) date night. we set out on the hottest day of the year to enjoy shakespeare under the stars at the foot of the blue ridge mountains. endstation theatre gives an amazing festival each summer. this night was twelfth night.

they encourage picnicking and much drinking of wine.

it began with soft green grass, a hint of breeze, talking and laughter floating from our blanket and the surrounding blankets, the sweet smokey scent from the tiki torches and a grand view of the blue ridge with the promise of a spectacular sunset. picnic perfection, i'm telling you.

and then this:

sudden loud claps of thunder and bolts of lightning followed by a downpour and the mad dash to the parking lot.

our very first picnic in the car was one of the best picnics ever. the storm was long and the acting company was determined not to cancel the show. so we waited. and for the first time in a long time, the two of us had precious time to talk and laugh and share time together without distraction. and there is just something incredibly romantic about the sound of rain pounding on the car roof, don't you think? it was very intimate and both of us loved this quiet accidental moment of connection.

(recipe break) rainbow quinoa: stir up cooked quinoa with purple cabbage, green onion, carrots, cilantro, pepitas, peaches, a splash of olive oil and a squeeze of lemon juice. it's my new summer stand-by. good and pretty.

we took a little walk in the storm after dinner, another intimate moment as we only had one umbrella and had to share. the rain slowed to a drizzle and the theatre company came to back to life, hurrying to ready the stage for performance.

the show must go on. and so it did. shakespeare, misty hills and a pink sunset followed by a crisp and beautiful starry sky.

paletas de sandía y menta

2011-07-18T06:27:00.004-04:00

little handcarts were pushed by mexican men down the hot streets of the california town where i grew up. bells hung from the handle and heralded their arrival. it was a super-low-tech version of the ice cream truck. inside were mexican ice pops, or paletas, frozen bars of fruit, nuts and sometimes milk. the la rosa man! for fifty cents, i could choose one of my favorite flavors: tamarind, coconut or watermelon. and it would make me so very happy. i have a very vivid sensory memory of sitting on a hot concrete curb with my bare feet in the gutter cooling off in a neighbor's sprinkler run-off enjoying the sweet stickiness of a la rosa bar.

paletas are not that available in the east, so i learned to make my own. they are so simple. nothing beats the heat like their icy goodness (awesome after a hot bikram class) and the sweet childhood memory that comes with each one is an added summer bonus for me.

for my version: chop up about 1/4 of a large watermelon (you can leave in the seeds, but i'm not finding any watermelon lately with the black seeds, which look so pretty in the paleta) or about four cups of fruit. mix together a half cup of water and a half cup of splenda or sugar; if using sugar, you'll need to heat it. blend it up with a squeeze of lime juice. i added a few leaves of mint to this batch. pour into molds and freeze for two hours, insert sticks and freeze another two hours before yum time.

top ten

2011-07-17T09:29:00.003-04:00

things i get stuck in:

resistance (everything from doing laundry to going to yoga to dreaming big)
doubt
laziness
the desire to isolate myself
accumulating stuff (seriously, i have the potential to be a hoarder)
judgement
over-analyzing
wanting things i can't afford or don't really need
the effing injustice of it all! (i've never outgrown my idealistic youth and fighting the good fight can be exhausting.)
rehashing events in my head ad nauseum ("omg, did i really say that? embarrassing!")

holy moly

2011-07-15T20:19:00.001-04:00

what a crazy week! complete with clowns, bells and whistles, a dog and pony show and being bumped around a bit. game over.

for the weekend, i'm keeping it simple: making paletas (tamarind? watermelon? blackberry?), hunting for my next good read, yoga and lots and lots of quiet.

i hope yours is lovely and full of summer fun.

one hundred things i love {41-50}

2011-07-10T11:07:00.002-04:00

41. thrift store glass
42. super chewy candy: big hunks, salt water taffy, maryjanes and the best peanut butter chews known to man
43. the idea of having my own organic farm (i'm much too lazy for the reality)
44. walking outside on a hot humid summer morning and being hit with the sultry scent of jasmine
45. the discovery of a new favorite band whose music makes me feel, think, dance and sing out loud in my car
46. my new ice cream maker
47. the way babies say hi to everyone when they first learn how (why do we lose the courage to make friends with abandon?)
48. do-nothing weekends
49. having a wild imagination: i can't think of anything more dreadful than the limits of concrete thinking
50. that feeling of connection when someone really gets me

yeah, what she said

2011-07-09T07:31:00.003-04:00

"i'm not gonna sit around and waste my divine precious energy trying to explain and be ashamed of things you think are wrong with me."

-esperanza spalding

so it's thursday

2011-07-07T06:24:00.000-04:00

and i'm throwing up this image from my archive because i'm tired of looking at my blue-tongued mug.

and because i need a reminder to let love rule.

things i do that are weird

2011-07-04T07:32:00.006-04:00

i must have a blue icee whenever i'm on a roadtrip.
that's not really the weird thing. the weird thing is that i insist on taking a photo of my blue tongue every single time. and totally crack myself up over the whole affair. the collection of blue tongues would have made a very interesting travel collage and i'm sad i've deleted them. note to self.
also, i'm greatly pleased at how my tongue totally goes with my sunglasses in this photo.
as i'm writing this, i realize that tongues are weird.
no really, think about it. they are freakin' weird.
people think i'm reserved when they first meet me. i must be quietly observing.
i get mad crushes on rockstars. i still dream of being a big-time groupie. (i've been a small-time groupie...not so rewarding.)
i am quietly rebellious. take my short hair for instance. i have great hair and it's fabulous when it's long, but i can't stand how culture dictates that women have to have long hair and how their husbands/boyfriends insist they can't cut their hair. it's my tiny feminist protest.
sometimes i'm not-so-quietly rebellious.
i think about random stuff in yoga and it makes me giggle uncontrollably, like when i was a little girl in church. also, i can perseverate on something really stupid in yoga. last week a partial memory from years ago flashed in my head: a friend showing me a chopper in her garage. it was a full-on-easy-rider-1970's-big-seat-in-back chopper. this random memory engaged my mind for the good part of ten minutes. so while my body was doing its best to execute standing bow pose, my brain was all, "why did she have a chopper? where did she get it? people don't ride choppers anymore...hey, standing bow pose is kinda chopper-esque in appearance...we are all choppers..." then the aforementioned uncontrollable giggling. it's humiliating.
it's weird that every time i type the word weird, i type it "wierd" first.
now i can't stop looking at the word. am i spelling this right?
i rename other people's dogs in my own head. also, when i'm driving down the street and see a dog, i name it. i have a huge file of really great dog names in my head. you should consult me before you name your dog.
i put potato chips inside my tuna sandwiches and on top of my hotdogs.
i watch the biggest loser while lounging on the sofa with a giant bowl of buttered popcorn.
i've just realized that there is a need for a "things that i do that are weird, part two" post. i'm kinda wierd.

outfitting july

2011-07-03T05:40:00.001-04:00

while i continue to explore who i am and who i will become, these are things i know about me that will probably never change:

sometimes i am really drawn to creams and taupes and wish these colors looked better on me
these rainbow stars are about as patriotic as i can get when it comes to clothes
i have really good observation skills, a combination of razor-sharp sensory perception and finely-tuned intuition, but my memory requires that i take notes
i like to wear boots in summer
i would wear jeans every single day if i could
feeling vanilla is not a bad thing...it's not always a mango-raspberry kind of day
i feel naked without sunglasses; i like being incognito

self-absorbed

2011-07-02T08:14:00.000-04:00

i am all about me lately.

it feels strange to write on my blog...clearly the most self-indulgent vehicle ever invented...that i'm taking some time to reflect on self. i'm taking this month to explore, edit, redefine or affirm, adjust and share.

bikram yoga has me feeling a bit like a blank canvas. this is a really good thing. my body has been able to release stale ideas, resentment, stress, shame and expectations. i did not realize how much of these emotional toxins are stored in the physical body. it feels a bit like a physical manifestation of true forgiveness. it's not earth-shattering. just clean.

i don't know what this exploration has in store. this month my blog may be more of a personal journal than normal. maybe more words, less photographs. could be less personal, who knows? sometimes my outward presentation is sheltering some deep work going on inside. maybe today is the only day i will feel this way.

what i know is that i'm paying attention. grateful for awareness. trying to hush the inner critic who's whispering that taking time to focus on self (and sharing it for pete's sake!) is quite indulgent and egocentric.

yes, yes it is.

saturday=green

2011-07-02T07:04:00.000-04:00

(and crepes...as soon as they open!)

thank you lovely annie for hosting this fantastic color week!

orange you glad it's friday? (sorry, i couldn't resist)

2011-07-01T05:43:00.000-04:00

thursday=blue

2011-06-30T06:18:00.000-04:00

wednesday=red

2011-06-29T05:53:00.000-04:00

tuesday=white

2011-06-28T05:58:00.000-04:00

monday=purple

2011-06-27T19:00:00.000-04:00

it's color week!

yoga is beautiful

2011-06-26T19:35:00.002-04:00

two hundred and fifty yogis met on a sunday in the park.

to reach for the sun.

and touch the earth.

and stir up their good mojo.

for the love of yoga.

strength.

rhythm.

connection.

joy.

lululemon's we do yoga festival: awesomeness.

standing in pride

2011-06-25T07:24:00.002-04:00

i can't imagine a life in which i was told who i can and cannot love. the freedom to love genuinely and openly is simply taken for granted. for most of us there are inherent risks that come with love and we all have to rally our inner warriors...courage and vulnerability and faith...in order to jump on for the exquisite wild ride. if we're lucky, we do not know the added pressure of outside judgement, hatred, scorn and misunderstanding.

no person who graces this earth should have to love in secret because of who they love. the more love that surrounds all of us makes this life glisten with hope and connection and promise.

love bravely.
love beautifully.