Saturday, December 19, 2009


it's funny how life does an abrupt 180 when you were least expecting it. things are moving along and you make the mistake of pausing, exhaling and actually saying the words, "things are good"; you think you can relax, just sit and take in the beauty, enjoy all that you are grateful for. then everything changes in the blink of an eye.

I have a sordid history with content. so much so that when I feel it's candy-colored fog try to edge in on my anxiety, I formulate the next move, anything to keep myself in a state of readiness. rarely do I stop and smell the roses. I may see the roses, briefly appreciate their being, possibly take a photo. but the stopping and the smelling part has not been good to me. time and time again I have found myself lulled into a dreamy contentment and it turns out this was the moment I should have been most prepared for battle.

most often for me, gratefulness is laced with the vigilance of a warrior. this pattern (defense mechanism, whatever you want to call it) has been carefully honed through experience and a life filled will fallible human relationship. content leaves me vulnerable to the inevitable changes of life, good or bad. transitions are rough for me. even rougher when they are not of my design and hoisted upon me out of the blue. more brutal still when none of the available options make sense or even remotely look like what I envisioned my life to be.

so I toy a bit with trust and consider that the only choice is to surrender to grace and ride the wave. these words by anne lamott are whispered in my head which hurts with too many tears: "I do not understand the mystery of grace...only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us."