sunday grace: the grace and privilege to heal

yesterday i wrote about my recent experience with severe anxiety and some practical things i did to make it through.  today i want to acknowledge the other side to that healing journey:  the unseen elements of flat out grace and the privilege of this life i am living.

privilege first.

most of the things that worked for me, that allowed me to shake off the debilitating panic and fear, that helped me calm the explosion of rogue chemicals cursing through my body, were things that i was able to access mostly due to my privilege.

i have lived a life with access to healthy food, clean air, safe relationships, health insurance.  i am allowed and know how to question authority without repercussion.  i do not have to think about the possibility of discrimination based on my skin color or sexual identity.  i have friends and loved ones who are doctors and therapists and yoga teachers and natural healers and grace-filled poets and good strong trustworthy people.  i have access to information.  i have financial means to pay for those things my insurance does not cover.  i can take time off work.

these things did not go without notice and gratitude during my experience.  many days i considered how much more difficult, if not impossible, healing would have been without them.

i want to note that during my six emergency room visits, it was wonderful to observe that the doctors and nurses treated everyone with kindness.  we were quite the mishmash of humanity up in there in the middle of the night and each of us was met with tenderness and quality care.

i also want to note that even though i have health insurance, our current system does not recognize the value of alternative care.  i paid $3.00 out of pocket for a one month supply of drugs that almost killed me, but my insurance won't cover the nutritional supplements or the acupuncture and those were the things that seemed to make the most difference for me.

now for the grace.

grace is when you are pacing the house at 2am and the only thing that can soothe your soul is softly singing that song you sang around the campfire at hume lake when you were 11.

grace is when your prayer starts with, "i'm sorry, i can't think of anything to be thankful for right now, but i need help."  and then you immediately recall all the goodness in your life.

grace is a loving husband who can work through his own fear of what the hell is wrong with her? and lovingly drive you around for hours every night so you can get to sleep, as one would do for an infant.

grace is the morning when your eyes open and it has lifted away.  you can breathe again.  you can live again.

panic at the disco

wild heart, by lisa parks.  acrylic, ink, paper on wood, 2015.

earlier this year i experienced a two-month period of panic, anxiety, depression, and chronic insomnia.  it came on quickly and unexpectedly and completely derailed my life for a time.  i had many nights without sleep, pacing the house and the yard in the dark, attempting to calm my racing heart and fearful mind.  during this time i made six visits to the emergency room even though they assured me i wasn't having a heart attack and/or suffocating.  (because it felt like a two-month-long heart attack/suffocation.)  and i discovered that i could sleep in the emergency room because they were the only ones who could save me should i die. (because i felt like i was about to die for two months.)   i really loved all the doctors and nurses in the emergency room.  they took such great care of me even though they were likely sick of seeing me there again.

i tried seven different medications and, with the exception of two (propranolol, a beta blocker, and hydroxyzine, an antihistamine which can control anxiety for some, both non-addictive), they made it all worse.  i became curious why the doctors started out with major life-altering and addictive psychotropics (benzodiazepines and antidepressants) before trying these more gentle pharmaceutical options.

i discovered that my anxiety likes to surprise me by showing up on any given day as irritability, disorientation, rage, hypervigilence, panic, depression, frozen state, or any random combination of these lovely states.  i learned that my anxiety may recur or it may never happen again.  either way, i changed a lot of things in my life.  i was committed to regaining as much of my health as possible.

here are twenty things i discovered worked for me:

• reaching out to the people who love me and asking for help or just good company.
• holy basil (tulsi) tea.  i love this so much, i'm growing holy basil in my garden this year.
• reishi mushroom, turmeric, and raw cacao drink before bed (i make my own version now but this drink is what got me started).
• vitamin d (i was very deficient).
• staying hydrated (the worst panic attack occurred in the middle of the night in a hotel room that was as dry as the sahara desert).
• being outside more.
• reducing electronic devise blue light two hours before bed.
• magnesium cream, a tiny bit rubbed on the bottom of each foot before bed (i use the cream made for children after the adult version oddly triggered jitters on top of my jitters).  most americans are deficient in magnesium and it plays a huge part in the healthy operation of the nervous system.
• adrenal supplement with rhodiola, holy basil, and ashwaghanda.
• acupuncture.
• mindfulness-based cognitive behavioral therapy.
• i watched about sixty episodes of friends reruns while i had insomnia (i too was stuck in second gear) and avoided all news and/or shows with anxiety-producing content (which is like, ALL SHOWS).
• reducing carbs after lunch; reducing the size of dinner and eating it at least two hours before bedtime.
• a happy light at least 20 minutes first thing in the morning to regulate cortisol and improve mood.
• increased movement.
• grounding (bare feet on the earth for at least 20 minutes, i even laid down on the grass and napped a few times).
• hands in dirt (things improved significantly once it warmed up and i was able to get in the garden).
• 4-7-8 breathing (inhale through the nose to a count of 4, hold for 7, exhale through the mouth for 8, repeat four times several times throughout the day).  
• nightly journaling and gratitude list.
• changing my relationship with coffee.  i'm now a proud three-quarter decaf drinker supplemented with coconut oil, raw honey, collagen powder, and lion's mane mushroom.

as i write this, i am anxiety-free, sleeping pretty well, and still practicing each of the things on this list.  i am medication-free with the exception of 1/4 of the antihistamine dosage at night to help insure sleep.  i have hope that this recovery is permanent.  and if it's not, i have confidence that these practices can help me through again.

i know this list is long.  some of the things may seem doable for you and others may not.  each of us is blessed with a unique body and brain and life circumstances.  i tried about 120 different holistic practices and these were the things that worked for me this time.  what worked most is that i didn't stop trying.

if you struggle with anxiety and depression, know that there is help and hope.  the heavy this is how my life is going to be from now on feeling is one of the worst things about it.  standing on the other side for now, i know that this is a lie.  

the truth is that your life can be even better than it was before.

* * * * *

more about my experience with anxiety here.
i collected lots of resources on a pinterest board here.

it's time

next week i'm joining sas petherick's let it go project.  because it's time.  you know?

sunday grace: being well

i got sick a few weeks ago; fever, sore throat, exhaustion.  my immunity tends to get fragile around change-of-season times and this year the weather has been radically swinging back and forth from summer to winter. add to that the classroom battle i have to fight with students who covertly turn the thermostat up to 78 degrees (i don't even understand this!) and most of us wilt away while two or three happy students sit there in short sleeves and open toed shoes in november all cozy and shit.

i mention that i was ill because i haven't been ill in over two years.  and, despite the sneaky students, illness struck me at a time when i wasn't taking the best care of myself.  i was travelling a lot and neglecting to take the time and effort to do basic self care.  it was a wake-up call.  and also a reminder that wellness and health are such precious gifts.

i'd love to share some things i do to stay well.  it may seem like a lot, but it's totally worth it.  i haven't had a flu shot or antibiotics or any other prescription med in five years or more.  i have strong feelings about the pharmaceutical industry and, while i am grateful for the lifesaving aspects of modern medicine, i generally feel that our western medical machine is happiest when we are collectively unwell.

so here are my favorite wellness friends (clockwise from top left), with links:

• buddha nose keeps my nose clear and moisturized.  i keep this at my bedside and rub it on before i go to sleep.  i also sleep with a humidifier.
• old-school herbal ricolas are my go-to throat/cough drop.  no frills.
• i put honey and lemon in my tea.  this turmeric/honey goo from the lovely heidi swanson is new to my repertoire this year.  it takes a while to get used to the taste, but this is one of those things that i can actually feel working instantly.  i use mine in tea but you can also just melt some into hot water.
• i could go on and on about coconut oil.  the lovely meg worden introduced it to me a few years ago.  i melt one tablespoon into my coffee each morning and i also do a twenty-minute ayurvedic oil pull a few days a week.  the oil pulling seems weird, but i believe it's one of the most effective detoxification routines around, it keeps sinuses clear and removes nastiness from the mouth and throat.  it also gets rid of dark circles and whitens teeth.  (oil pulling was one of the practices i had been neglecting prior to my recent illness.)
• yogi cold season tea.  i have tried every herbal tea known to man and this is hands-down the best wellness tea.  whenever i feel a bit of a scratch in my throat, a heaviness in my ears or stuffiness in my head, i drink a double-bag hot cup of cold season.  and then have a great sleep with awesome valerian dreams (if you take valerian, you know what i mean) and wake up clear and light.
• i make my own thieves oil because it makes me feel like the mad scientist i was meant to be, but you can purchase this essential oil wondermix already made up for you here.  i mix a few drops with purified water to spritz the air and make a handwash by mixing ten or so drops with this soap.  speaking of handwashing, i am not a fanatic about it.  i refuse any of those hand sanitizers (unless i just touched someone with obvious contagious symptoms and no other soap is around).  i also do not use commercial antibacterial products on my body or home.  just keep your hands clean and if you can't, don't touch your face.  i make a point to wash my hands after the supermarket and before any food handling.
• i take a hot bath every single night.  i make it detoxifying by adding one cup of epsom salts, one tablespoon ground ginger and one cup of organic baking soda.  i close the door to make the bathroom all steamy.  i often add a few drops of essential oil.  in the winter i use juniper, eucalyptus and grapefruit (it smells like california to me).  
• new to my regimen this year is bone broth (in the center of the photo).  i use this crockpot recipe and add a knob of ginger, a head of garlic and one dried guajillo chile to the pot, this really raises the heat factor to further clear breathing passages.  whenever we finish a rotisserie chicken i put the bones in the freezer.  same with (washed) eggshells.  bone broth is not the same as regular chicken broth or vegetable broth, the long cooking time pulls the gelatin and minerals from the bone.  it's thick and gelatinous.  

other lovely things not shown:

• daily movement:  a little yoga, a nice walk in the woods, kitchen dancing
• kombucha
• green juice, this is my winter favorite.
• keeping stress low (easier said than done, i know)
• sunshine
• staying hydrated
• clean sheets and pillowcases and a spritz of thieves on my pillow under the case
• getting enough rest, and by enough i mean probably more than you are getting
• opening the windows a few times a week to get fresh air circulating in the house

so tell me, what are your favorite ways to stay well?

wellness reminder at the kitchen window

"i shall recognize all disease as the result of my transgressions against health laws and i shall try to undo the evil by right eating, by less eating, by fasting, by more exercise, and by right thinking."
- paramahansa yogananda