my bionic ears

this week we explored the sense of sound in unravelling further: exploring the senses. I have such a love-hate relationship with sound. it has to do with my weird ears. they are hypertuned and sounds are often over-amplified.

when I would lay my head down on my pillow as a child, an entire world of sounds would emerge from inside my pillow (in actuality, the sounds were in my head, I just thought they were in my pillow). the soundscape consisted of whines, bleeps, whirls, squeeks and other assorted hi- and low-frequency beats. I imagined a tiny village in the pillow just starting their day as I was ending mine. eventually, I made out conversations and music and tempos of the little magical world. (don't worry, I have been advised that this was the sign of a grand imagination and not schizophrenia; plus the tiny folk were kind and interesting and never told me to kill or otherwise do harm. in fact, now that I think of it, they operated as if I was not there.) the whole experience provided much fodder for a rich dream world and future character development (my own and potential fictional expansion).

I am also highly attuned to the sound of everyday mechanical processes. I love the rhythm of operation: the click-whirl of the camera, the metallic clank of the gumball machine door, the clickity-clack purr of the rotary phone dial, the chemical hum of lit neon. these things actually read as music in my head. I cannot not hear them; they are a part of my life.

the acuity of my hearing ebbs and flows. sometimes I can actually hear conversations in the house next door. it is cumbersome when I am in an environment where several conversations are going on at the same time. if you were talking with me during these times, I might appear a bit scattered. I have to put a lot of energy into staying present with the conversation I am in. if there is tv, music, air conditioning, rain, etc. in addition, chances are I'm not picking up our communication in its entirety.

the downside is that some sounds are painful: sopranos kill me, I can't listen to mariah carey or enjoy a movie in the theatre. I'm drawn to down-beats, bass lines, hidden riffs in music, just as in life.

hi punkins

have a fabulous halloween weekend! the thing I love the most about halloween is the oft-heard question: who are you supposed to be?

hey wednesday

let's do it.

sunday sweetness

although the past week was busy and exhausting, I feel strangely revived and ready for more. here are a few sweet treats that helped get me here:

• love the weird feeling of driving to work in the dark, I find it very centering.
• very unlike me, but I've been indulging in sleeping in this weekend (to 7am!!!).
• is it possible that coffee tastes even better when there is a nip in the air?
• a trip to anthro, specifically to dress lola for fall (been saving for this splurge + two sizes smaller this year).
• and some cowgirl boots that look like they've got some experience kicking serious butt.
• found an art center close enough to me to take some weekend classes, so signed up for two.
• and best of all, the technicolor dream forest has arrived in my backyard. I could stare at it all day.

here's to a week of treats and love for all of us!

risk

this week's chapter of the joy diet is all about risk. in most areas of my life (professional, play, adventures, speaking out, style), I am pretty comfortable with risk. the one place I am frozen with fear and mistrust is relationship. I've been working on identifying those connections between my grown-up self in relationships and the attachment style I had as a child with my primary caretaker. it's amazing how the dynamics of that primary relationship shape how I form and maintain (or not) my adult relationships. it's fascinating and eye-opening work.

I am embracing the advice to take at least one risk per day. so far, these have been in relationship. it hasn't been easy. the instinct to protect myself at all costs creeps in so naturally. those things I so casually considered risky before...public speaking, launching photography endeavors, introducing myself to a stranger, creating this blog, getting tattooed, entering a crack-infested gang house to check on a child, etc...all pale next to the true bravery it takes to simply say what I feel to the person who matters most.

wow.

tempest

so in my typical manner, i have overscheduled myself this october with e-courses and book clubs. i am currently enrolled in unravelling further and mondo beyondo and participating in online discussion groups for the joy diet and the artist's way.

it turns out that these four endeavors are serving as howling winds from the north, south, east and west, colliding in a perfect storm of exploration and discovery and work. i find myself turning to the inside and doing some needed soul work and healing. this is not easy for me as i tend to resist emotional processing. what i am discovering is that it is just the season for me to do this work. i'm a little raw on the inside, a vibrant glowing red. ready for change.

i ♥ photoblocks

i love the way they look and i love making them. they've found a home in my little etsy shop.

contemplating ritual

been thinking about rituals and ceremonies lately and curious why i feel awkward with them. wondering why we need choreographed moments to make meaning and memories. by engaging in ritual, are we running the risk of limiting spontaneity and imagination and individuality during important times in our lives? or are we merely trying to create these moments by following scripts and using props? does this make us mere performers in our own lives?

{photo shot during one of my mundane rituals: closet organization.}

a creative life

to experience life like an artist is one of my bold dreams. how about you? the lovely jacqueline is hosting a reading group for julia cameron's the artist's way. the journey begins on sunday. please join us.

it's official

the heater clicked on last night. it sounded a little reluctant and lumbery, not quite yet humming along in its mid-february glory. I love the soft scent that escapes through the vents as the warm air seeps in to the house. the panini grill made its appearance a few days ago, ready to turn stacks of sourdough, gouda, apples into a handful of gooey cheesy goodness. the kitchen smells of chai spices and honey. today I wear my favorite fragrance for the season.

oh how I adore autumn.

mosaic monday

it's autumn through the viewfinder {okay seriously, I can't stop!!!}. it's all about color, carnivals and campuses around here. I love how the viewfinder leaves a tinge of metallic chroma effect. happy monday friends. be bold.

sunday sweetness

as I made my usual rounds this week in my little bloggy neighborhood, I was awestruck by moment after moment of boldness. there are a lot of big leaps, risks, and courageous moves unfolding out there. is something in the air?

I love that we are an evolving lot, always thinking and dreaming and moving toward an improved, enriched, fulfilled, exciting life. I think one of the worst ways to live a life is to continue to be the same, to live, work and love in a way that doesn't rock the stability boat.

what move {big or small} will you make this week that will take you closer to the life you want to be living? I invite you to leave a comment and let the rest of us know how you are manifesting your desires. I am going to sign up for an art class and create some photoblocks for my etsy shop. and if the opportunity arises, I plan to make a move like my friend kenda. so bold that one; I am just in awe of her courage.

must share this

wow. just wow.

{found via lovely jacqueline.}

desire

oh how I love menu item #3 on the joy diet: desire. I have zero challenge with thinking about things I desire. restraint and selflessness are really not a part of my make-up, so I spend a lot of time thinking about what I want, be it material, spiritual, emotional or who I want to be. I could happily pine away for hours stacking up want after need after lust after goal after wish. an expert dreamer, that's me.

where I struggle is organizing desires; parsing them out to determine which are pure fantasy, which are silly and which are within my reach. I will not indulge the superlong list here. this chapter of the next chapter book club was very timely in that it coincided with week one of mondo beyondo for me.

I do have one desire to share here now: I desire for this space to be a place of color, connection and camaraderie.

I'm glad you're here. I ♥ you guys!

and now, back to the fun

mosaic monday

hello lovelies! I hope your weekends were splendid and your autumns are treating you kindly.

the mister and his students are doing the rocky horror show for their fall production. I got to do the poster! instead of halloween-y creepy, I wanted a more burlesque look, so I opted for charcoal, cream, purples and reds. can I tell you how much I am loving this color scheme? I have a feeling you'll be seeing a lot of it in the months to come. here it is beautifully manifested:

• a wee bit witchy from sock dreams.
• oh odd molly, you never cease to amaze me.
• reminiscent of twilight, no? {the good parts}
• my heart is swooning again anthro.
• the poster.
• berry boots, just like shannon's teal ones.
• I'm obsessed with crocheted neck stuff this fall.
• purple patent and big; I'm loving everything in coach's poppy line.
• the colors of the fig, captured so perfectly.

happy monday little figgies.

moments of truth

reluctant as I was to purchase and read the joy diet for the next chapter book club, I am happily finding that the unfortunate title {I have a little ptsd from the "happy for no reason" debacle of earlier this year} is just a cheeky grab-in to a beautifully written book filled with smart and relevant cognitive-behavioral techniques to guide one on the journey to a life well lived. whew! that was one long sentence.

we are on chapter two, which deals with the concept of truth. I fancy myself a girl who is honest, mostly based in reality and certainly seeking the life authentic. sometimes this causes me psychic confusion as I feel I operate in a sugarcoated culture of delusion and subterfuge with other individuals who are not interested in and actively suppress what is. the chapter provided much guidance for me to focus on just living my own truth regardless of the environment that truth finds itself in.

the concepts of "clean pain" and "dirty pain" resonated with me. simply put, our clean pain {or clean truth} is the observable, objective experience; our dirty pain is the emotional and mental story we tell ourselves about that experience. the author suggests brilliant techniques to separate these two and practice being with the clean and minimizing the dirty. I won't get too much into it because these things tend to be very personal and individual issues. I highly recommend that you read the book.

I'm allowing myself practice with little clean truths before I tackle the mack daddy truths lurking in my subconscious. some of my moments of clean truth this week:

• my hands are bruised from clapping so hard last night at the u2 show.
• my throat is raw from singing sunday bloody sunday at the top of my lungs with 50,000 other voices under the direction of bono.
• my heart is full of memories, music, love for this band.
• I am a girl in transition.
• my house desires organization.
• I have a lot of questions and curiosity about life and plan to keep on exploring.
• tiny golden leaves are falling outside my window.
• I really like grilled cheese sandwiches.

simple truths. it's up to me to examine and manage the emotional chatter (positive and negative) that accompany each.

sweet october

the wee buddhas are sporting their lovely acorn hats to celebrate the arrival of the sweetest of months. let's all have one filled to overflowing with love, laughs, connection, art, dancing and growth. shall we?