jumpstart

autumn is my new year.  i've said it before and each year it becomes more clear.  it's in the air dancing with the tiny golden leaves, crisp breezes and soft scent of campfire:  change.  it is the time for renewal and transition and jumpstarting.  do you feel this way too?

last night i was lucky to be a part of my friend and squam cabinmate jess greene's jumpstart creativity tour.  (side note:  i swear wayonda 2009 was the magic cabin.)  i am so in awe of jess and have been endlessly inspired by her ideas and journey.  she's travelling around the country, stopping at different cities to get people making art.  (what?!  i know!)  there are a few east coast cities left on the tour.  go if you get the opportunity.  you will be happy you did.

over the last few months, i've been pulling together materials for my myers-briggs for artists program and i am endlessly fascinated with the concept of intuition.  my intuition (in this context defined as my worldview and what i know and trust to be true) was smothered in my prior job.  since leaving, i'm exploring letting my intuition run wild, seeing what unfolds, playing with the ideas and imaginations that come up, living my intuition.  it just feels good.  and true.

i've also been exploring my apache heritage, a long-ignored but essential part of who i am.  this little piece is my touchstone honoring the connections between intuition, creating, culture and the wild spirits of my ancestors.

scarcity, abundance and quelling the voracious wants

this week many of my friends will be heading up to the woods of new hampshire to attend squam art workshops.  since first attending this magical gathering in 2009, i have made an annual trip to one of the retreats in new hampshire or the outer banks.  (see some of the magic here, here, here and here.)  i can just feel their anticipation of the hugs, laughter, long talks on the dock, art, ice cream, yoga, music and love. 

i so want to be there.  i even cried a little last night thinking about all that i will miss.

but i made a choice a few months ago that in order to leave my job, some things i enjoy would need to be cut postponed.  (interestingly, the decision to leave my job and my paycheck was based on the fact that it just cost too much, and i consider it to be my first and best mindful decision about value.)  the list of go-withouts is long.  until this last week, it hasn't been that bad and i've considered being frugal graceful with my money a fun challenge, totally doable and even rewarding. 

two things changed that:  the nearness of squam and the freaking deluge of fall catalogs arriving daily in my postbox.  autumn is my favorite time to shop.  i love boots and sweaters and coats and luscious items for my winter nest.  i am in serious want mode.  acquiring these things is evidence that i am not poor.  but this year i will go without.  and i have fallen so far down the scarcity rabbit hole that i feel impoverished, lacking, less than. 

that could not be farther from the truth.  i know that i have an abundant life, that i am rich in spirit and love and beauty.  i know that i don't have to worry about my bills being paid or a roof over my head.  i know i am spoiled.  and i feel entitled to being spoiled because i have known many times in my life when i had to scrounge for seventy-five cents in order to ride the bus to work (sometimes i had to walk) and when i had to feed myself and my child three-for-a-dollar-bean-and-potato burritos for days on end and when i had to carry my sleeping girl and my bookbags a mile from the bus stop to our home in a not-so-safe neighborhood on cold dark nights.  i get poverty.

and i also get that i remain in a poverty mindset.  that just using words like spoiled and entitled indicate a belief that if i am not that (spoiled and entitled), then i am by default impoverished.

i'm working on it, trying to find the middle ground, the balance, the equanimity between scarcity and abundance.  i've increased my awareness of how i waste money on things i don't need and really don't want.  i want it to not be about money, but money and having and acquisition keep coming up as the central themes. 

so today i am working on quelling the voracious wants.  i do this by sitting in the gorgeous sunshine, taking slow deep breaths of precious clean air, feeding myself with truly nourishing foods, reading one of the books in our ridiculously abundant library (of many unread books), using what i already have, loving my family, wishing my friends a truly beautiful time at squam and recognizing how truly lucky i am in this life.

this prosperity series on intuitive bridge is also nourishing me.

i'm interested in how you are graceful with your money and any advice you have on quelling the wants and living an abundant life.

dear obx

i pray you slept safe and sound.

you are beautiful.

see you in october.

love,
lisa

today i am grateful for

these things:

• each of you.  i love that you come here.  thank you for that.
• how 30 days of gratitude...recognizing the true abundance of life...can make a girl's heart swell and glow.
• for the opportunity to stand still and solid with the atlantic and sort some things out (photo of me by the lovely jenica mckenzie).
• for those times when i get restless (like today) to change, to do something different, to move faster toward potential and fullness and wholehearted living.

thank you for sharing gratitude with me. 

today i am grateful for

memories.

three weeks ago today, my saturday morning routine went something like this:

• wake at 5am to a dark silent house
• climb three flights of stairs to the kitchen to make coffee
• open the giant doors to be greeted by the sea and stars
• sit in the big white chair wrapped in a blanket, sip coffee and gaze at the horizon line
• watch as the faint pink line begins to glow and deepen to red
• when it is light enough, take coffee and camera and head to the sand
• quietly and respectfully navigate other morning beachsitters as they experience their own sunrise
• literally hold back tears as the sea slowly gives you a giant ball of fire
• love how your skin is glowing golden pink
• forget holding back the tears
• feel small and powerful at the same time
• love how everyone knows the exact time to start being social with cheerful greetings
• wish for girlfriends in everyday life who say, "good morning beautiful" and mean it

good morning beautifuls.

today i am grateful for

beginnings.

mornings, first days of the month, new years day, even mondays...if it's officially the start of something, i love it.  the sense of the clean slate, of the do-over, of pure possibility is one of the most exhilarating feelings i experience.  the power to begin again polishes the roughness of loss.  there is nothing like the energy of new.

for the past month, i've been somewhat obsessed with the word 'begin'.  i went to squam thinking i would make a piece of art with the word in it.  while there, the spectacular sunrises deepened my awareness and connection to the art of beginning.

in my last workshop, i randomly picked this blessing and it was read to me by the lovely jen lee:

"just when it feels like everything is over, a new beginning is about to be born."

five senses friday* {the squam edition}

{see}

• four perfect sunrises
• a pink moon ascending above a blue horizon
• a woman dancing with fire
• a mother's pure love in action
• the art we made

{smell}

• the briny scent of the sea
• mingling with campfire smoke
• i put a handful of sand, some found shells and a tiny chunk of the charred wood in a jar to take home; when i open it the scent takes me back

{taste}

• brilliant fish tacos
• margaritas
• rice krispies treats

{touch}

• unabashed handholding
• the sand beneath my bare feet
• fingers.  paint.  canvas.

{hear}

• jen lee's voice
• jinny's soft south african accent
• spoken stories of accomplishment, fears, ideas, joy, sadness, hope
• with a steady background song of waves and random bursts of distant laughter

*fsf inspired by abby

every time the high begins to fade

i think of the beautiful, talented, singing-while-painting, authentic, hula-hooping, margarita-sharing, downdogging, moongazing, amazingly creative women at squam-by-the-sea i am lucky to call friends. 

and my heart fills with love.

thank you mindy, sarah, tracey, kelly, michelle, jenica, ada, sally, melissa, mccabe, stef, jen, jennifer, jessica, elizabeth, michelle, mira, bella, samantha, arabella, the fabulous beach divas and every other amazing artist who left their footprint on the sand at nags head and their soulprint on my life.

(wow, i used the word soulprint.  i am high.)

reentry

the real world feels somewhat harsh.  i'm going to sit here today with my photos and figure out a way to hold on to who i am at squam.

tiny b + me

are roadtripping to a tiny strip of sand in the sea.  fingers are crossed that these things await our safe arrival:  old friends, new friends, artartart and more art, sparkly bits, mermaids, sunsets, that happy place where peace and excitement coexist, messiness, the full moon, the crunch of sand beneath our feet, shell gathering, sand castle creating and general merrymaking.

risk

this week's chapter of the joy diet is all about risk. in most areas of my life (professional, play, adventures, speaking out, style), I am pretty comfortable with risk. the one place I am frozen with fear and mistrust is relationship. I've been working on identifying those connections between my grown-up self in relationships and the attachment style I had as a child with my primary caretaker. it's amazing how the dynamics of that primary relationship shape how I form and maintain (or not) my adult relationships. it's fascinating and eye-opening work.

I am embracing the advice to take at least one risk per day. so far, these have been in relationship. it hasn't been easy. the instinct to protect myself at all costs creeps in so naturally. those things I so casually considered risky before...public speaking, launching photography endeavors, introducing myself to a stranger, creating this blog, getting tattooed, entering a crack-infested gang house to check on a child, etc...all pale next to the true bravery it takes to simply say what I feel to the person who matters most.

wow.

view finder

last spring when I discovered this sweet soul was teaching a through-the-viewfinder photography class at squam, all ambivalence about attending was squelched. I've long admired ttv images for their blur, scratches, and unexpected flashes of light but found myself challenged time and time again to make it work. no better way to learn than from the master. the little magic genius brought bright colorful props across the country to the woods of new hampshire. I just love her.

this class was the high-point of "formal" learning for me at squam. it was also nice to discover that hula is just as beautiful, friendly and down-to-earth funky in real life as she represents online. and another type of learning was taking place for me in my other classes and just existing in the magnificence of squam and with its people.

I learned from lovely gentle wise jen that my protected heart may be necessary right now just as the candy-coated shell of an m&m makes sense. she just let me be.

I learned from my girls in wayonda that friendships can happen in an instant. that kindred spirits find each other and the right people show up at just the right time.

I learned that my view of the world has shifted ever so softly.

I seek and view resonance and truth and vibrancy and connection. I love the view through my lens: it has a bit of a blur, some scratches and unexpected flashes of light.

hello campers

welcome to squam.

this is a magical place where you will shed layers of constriction and fear. here you have permission to be open and joyful and safe. you are now free to explore and take your alter-ego/inner artist/childlike soul out for a ride.

for a few days, you will meander through a labyrinth of wooded paths speckled by the autumn sun trickling through a canopy of trees. the soundtrack for this weekend includes the amazing songs of loons, laughter, musical love and the muffled delight of the dance party at the cabin next door.

girls with cameras...all kinds of cameras...will be a familiar sight. we love our photographs here at squam.

make some art.

make a beautiful sparkly mess.

celebrate that which you create.

each cabin is filled to its knotty pine rafters with summer-campy nostalgia, lifelong friends and magnificent views.

you have your own pier suitable for yoga at sunrise...

...and collaborative stargazing in the pitch black of night {no. 21 off the list!}.

you will meet amazing women with so much courage and talent and beauty it will make your heart burst.

go on ahead and play.

did I mention girls with cameras?

oh and by the way, I need to warn you about the air here: it's filled with this magical energy that will soak your entire being with light and love and risk and trust and friendship and art. please consider it a gift to you, a souvenir to carry with you forever and always.

light at the end of the week

the first full week of 2009 was pretty decent. amidst bad-but-not-as-bad-as-we-thought-it-was-going-to-be budget news at work, the infamous passport fiasco, and cold stormy weather, things were relatively calm and filled with graceful moments of joy.

the travel gods are good and smiling on me: I was able to obtain the "appropriate" birth certificate within a very short time, bypassing the anticipated 14 week processing time. the passport has been requested (complete with weird serious photo of non-smiling me) and the very friendly clerk informed me they are arriving in less than three weeks. wow. I can now resume my giddy internet search for fun and quirky things to do in london and dublin.

last week I committed to creating a vision board, inspired by this beauty. I found it strange that I kept putting it off during the week, even with ample down time. I am a huge fan and supporter of cutting and pasting and collaging; just ask my poor staff, who have been made to sit around a table with me surrounded by old magazines, scissors and glitter glue to create a vision board of who we want to be at work (which are awesome!). I finally made myself do it friday evening, then realized that ken had made a recent trip to the recycling center and I had a total of four magazines available to look through (which were new and I had to read first). I ripped out pages that instinctively appealed to me. it felt kind of dull as I cut and pasted the images and words. then the vision emerged:

a strong theme of home, learning, creating, boldness, uniqueness. completely and honestly reflecting the vision in my heart and mind.

this week I instinctively and impulsively became involved with a book group (hey! it's on the list!) which I am increasingly excited about.

and I am so thrilled (literally, I am a bit buzzy about it) that I am lucky enough to attend the squam art workshop this fall. I hope to meet some of you there. can you just see it? laughter and story-sharing around the campfire on golden pond (I think squam lake is the real golden pond), paint-stained fingers, voices hoarse from so much talking and laughing, our spirits joining in a different kind of friendship (the old-school in-person kind).

*****

this week:

once the book arrives, catch up on chapter one and post assignment proper if needed.

get creative at work, getting it done with less and keeping what we've got ('cause there's no replacing!).

even though christy doesn't go to my gym, her guerrilla art mojo is motivating me to come on and do it already. thanks christy.