looking for goodness

I do my best to improve my spiritual disposition. often my efforts leave me frustrated and wondering what in the world is wrong with me. my left brain is a big, big brain and very powerful. most recently, I have been exploring the tenets of buddhism. I am very far from zen. the girl who is far from zen is exactly the girl who should take a good look and try to get closer to zen. so the past few months, I have been happy to have a look and think. I am currently reading the art of happiness, by his holiness the dalai lama (I know, it's buddha for lightweights).

and there it is, in the book's introduction. the belief that causes my skin to prickle and my brain to move into dissonance: all humans are basically good. I am outing myself here. I do not believe this. (on the flip-side, I also do not believe western religion's notion that we are all sinners.)

my husband thinks this misunderstanding of mine (he is one of those lucky souls who truly believes in the basic goodness of the human spirit) is due to the field I work in and that I am surrounded by pain, suffering, depression, and endless cycles of violence and personal irresponsibility. (I have even met children who scare me.) there may be some truth to this.

but consider that the opposite may also be true; that his holiness and other enlightened souls can carry this belief because of the people who surround them. I would imagine that the throngs of folk who seek the dalai lama, visit zen retreats and conferences and whatnot have already experienced some growth and that their hearts were open in the first place to goodness and light. it would make it easier to believe that all humans are good when the energy swirling around you is pure and magically oriented to growth.

is goodness an environmental concept? can we believe in pure good as long as we surround ourselves with it? I want to believe this. especially since it looks as if true happiness is out of my reach until I authentically grab on to at least a bit of this belief. this blog community that I am blessed to be a part of demonstrates that there are pockets of good. but are we, as seekers of goodness, in denial of the rest of the story? I am eager and open to hearing your thoughts. (momma zen, if you are here, please, please chime in with your wisdom and any reading you recommend.)

light at the end of the week

the first full week of 2009 was pretty decent. amidst bad-but-not-as-bad-as-we-thought-it-was-going-to-be budget news at work, the infamous passport fiasco, and cold stormy weather, things were relatively calm and filled with graceful moments of joy.

the travel gods are good and smiling on me: I was able to obtain the "appropriate" birth certificate within a very short time, bypassing the anticipated 14 week processing time. the passport has been requested (complete with weird serious photo of non-smiling me) and the very friendly clerk informed me they are arriving in less than three weeks. wow. I can now resume my giddy internet search for fun and quirky things to do in london and dublin.

last week I committed to creating a vision board, inspired by this beauty. I found it strange that I kept putting it off during the week, even with ample down time. I am a huge fan and supporter of cutting and pasting and collaging; just ask my poor staff, who have been made to sit around a table with me surrounded by old magazines, scissors and glitter glue to create a vision board of who we want to be at work (which are awesome!). I finally made myself do it friday evening, then realized that ken had made a recent trip to the recycling center and I had a total of four magazines available to look through (which were new and I had to read first). I ripped out pages that instinctively appealed to me. it felt kind of dull as I cut and pasted the images and words. then the vision emerged:

a strong theme of home, learning, creating, boldness, uniqueness. completely and honestly reflecting the vision in my heart and mind.

this week I instinctively and impulsively became involved with a book group (hey! it's on the list!) which I am increasingly excited about.

and I am so thrilled (literally, I am a bit buzzy about it) that I am lucky enough to attend the squam art workshop this fall. I hope to meet some of you there. can you just see it? laughter and story-sharing around the campfire on golden pond (I think squam lake is the real golden pond), paint-stained fingers, voices hoarse from so much talking and laughing, our spirits joining in a different kind of friendship (the old-school in-person kind).

*****

this week:

once the book arrives, catch up on chapter one and post assignment proper if needed.

get creative at work, getting it done with less and keeping what we've got ('cause there's no replacing!).

even though christy doesn't go to my gym, her guerrilla art mojo is motivating me to come on and do it already. thanks christy.

light at the end of the week

my thoughts and goals are liberally sprinkled with this concept of things just magically happening. I am wondering why I resort to its use instead of thinking about and articulating the concrete meaning behind it. well, it's a shortcut for sure and loads more poetic.

instead of wishing to be happier and healthier and hoping that the process will come naturally and take almost no discipline, I really need to focus on the actions (big and small) that I take every moment. that's where the magic happens.

if I redefine the magical thinking that I engage in on a regular basis as its accurate meaning -- imagination -- will I pay more attention to creative ideas nestled in there? if I see it for what it is, will something spark me to artistic action?

either way, the magic is up to me.

*****

last week: focus and moderate commitment.
this week: making a vision board, inspired by this lovely one. care to join in? I'll show you mine if you show me yours. next sunday, perhaps?

light at the end of the week

this week and in the weeks to come am paying attention to being light and clean.

this is on its way; has anyone attempted/completed it? apparently, there are entire flickr groups dedicated to it. I hope apartment therapy does a weekly cure post in 2009. I need all the help I can get.

we are installing these this year. one beautiful thing about our home is that it is surrounded by centuries-old trees. the downside to having centuries-old trees is that mr. sun has some difficulty reaching inside. the top of the house is the only place sunlight can stream in uninterrupted, so we're going to take advantage of that.

am having a strong desire to go with these (and am drawn to an oval shape, which I'm not seeing here). currently I have an eclectic blend of dinnerware that represent different chapters of my life: mexican talavera, vintage bauer, rainbow stripes, harlequin, apple green. I do love my assorted plates, bowls and cups, but am drawn lately to the clean and pure. I will pack them away. in a few years, I will want them and it will be like opening a present of rainbow history.

******
meet my new years baby; a sister blog to curious girl. the intention is to post regularly about my (seemingly) never ending journey to being healthy in body, mind and spirit. I hope it will keep me focused and committed to health in much the same way that curious girl has kept my focus on life, color and creativity.

light at the end of the week

the winter solstice has arrived. time to slow down, rest, nest, recoup, nurture. I love how nature gently forces us to do these things even when our lives want to stay in overdrive and resist the season of slow.

it was a decent week in my quest to lighten up. I spent some time exploring reasons and ways to let go and just be. more healthy food found its way to my mouth and I found ways to increase movement throughout week. the result: me, two pounds lighter and feeling a bit more grounded, yet still searching.

yesterday I got to help deliver christmas food and gifts to local families. my part was so very small in comparison to the massive commitment made by the lovely people at holy cross church and sweet meggan; still a beautiful reminder that giving is restorative and essential for a light soul.

I explored light with my camera, mostly through studying how light affects subjects. the week was a bit dark and dreary, with few opportunities to play with natural light. today's photos are of yesterday's sunrise over our little forest, taken from my backyard. an hour after this technicolor drama played out, the sky decided it would be another black and white day.


this coming week, the journey to light continues:

yoga, walking and healthy food choices and maybe even a visit to the gym (jeez, it's been awhile!)

explore the blurring of christmas lights with my camera.

have some fun on hideous christmas sweater day at work and find new ways to increase laughter at the office.

starting at the bottom

I better get moving on that list of mine. there are 44 things to accomplish, and they are not all things that can be done easily or quickly. let's start with 44. lighten up.

I have actually put quite a bit of effort into this over the past year. the blog you are reading is a manifestation of this desire. but I have a way to go. I still need to consciously remind myself to lighten up when things are bleak, heavy, too serious for any one's good. the tightly-wound bundle of nerves I was a year ago has loosened and my life and work are filled with a good measure of levity; however, there is still work to be done. lighten up has a permanent place on my list.

and I have subcategories. (while I realize that having subcategories is not at all in the spirit of lighten up, it just makes it easier for me to focus.) I would like light and grace and radiance and luminosity to permeate my spirit, my body, my movement, my art. and I want to do all this while still being me (energetic, dynamic, somewhat loud, assertive). ok, so I'm aware that now #44 is basically contradicting itself because to do all this will take serious effort and intensity. see how that works? I went from lightness to intensity in the course of one paragraph.

so I'm going to take a bit of the advice I would give a client faced with an overwhelming task: break it down into small actions and work them with regularity.

sundays provide me a buffer zone, a space to recharge, regroup, let go and refocus. since I don't attend a religious or spiritual service, I will spend some time and energy each sunday to develop two or three actions I can practice throughout the week to infuse some lightness.

this week I am challenging myself to capture lightness with my camera; to move away from bold for one moment and see grace and tenderness.

and...

in a complete moment of utter kismet, yesterday I wandered upon the blog of karen maezen miller (thanks christy, for having her on your sidebar). zen has always been a challenge for me. after reading a bit, I decided to suspend judgement and be open to hearing a different message (hooray! I did zen!...see how I'm all about the accomplishment? so not zen.). I will check in with karen a few times this week.

and...

I really have continued to eat like it's thanksgiving every day since thanksgiving. I feel heavy and sluggish. nourishing, healthy and moderate meals will make their return this week, along with a few walks and some yoga.

thank you all for allowing me this space to ponder, explore, commit, fail and move forward.