these words

my short temper

that is so short
it sometimes can’t reach
a kind word
lives right beside
my skyscraper heart
that paints all its windows
to save all the little birds

andrea gibson

word of the year (take two)

i think 2013 may be a double-word year.  i chose happy the first week in january.  happy is a good word.  a good goal.  thing is, it comes with quite a few expectations.  so even though things have been mostly positive around here, i've found myself feeling less than adequate on those days when i'm not rocking the happy.

i'm participating in a year-long self-portrait group, 52 of you.  each week brings a new self-portrait challenge.  during week two, the assignment was "mantra".  so many words floated through my mind and heart (surprisingly, not one of them was happy).  the word soul kept reappearing and softly vibrating, while standing alone or within lines of poetry.

so there you have it:  the word is soul.  the question, "is {whatever} in alignment with what i know in my soul to be true and beautiful?"

it's good to have something deep and meaningful with happy as a backup.  :)

sparks

have i ever told you that my nickname (well, one anyway) is sparks?

(because my last name is parks and i can be a wee bit temperamental at times.)

gratitude: week four

on the day after thanksgiving, instead of indulging in black friday, we went to yogaville.

the last time we visited, i was in the midst of making the decision whether or not to leave my job and radically change my life.  yogaville provided the space and stillness to give me some clarity on the issue.

i am so very grateful for this open, loving, spiritual place that is quite unexpected in rural virginia.  being here instantly brings the familiar sense of groundedness that i've been blessed enough to experience in other beautiful places.

i am grateful for the sacred spaces i have known.

(photos taken friday at yogaville.)

i am grateful for the pacific ocean.  her name masks her fierceness and power.  i like that.

i am grateful for the tidepools she leaves behind.  she taught me that you can be bold and raw and honest and still create beauty and gentleness.  i am grateful for all those times i held the hand of my daddy while he told me the stories of the magical little sea worlds that exist in each and every tiny pool.

i am grateful for a home that is safe and warm and happy and peaceful.   living here makes me want to be more creative, more joyful, more loving.

i am grateful for my childhood home that i miss often and dream about with a sense of nostalgia and history and love and belonging.

i am grateful for forests and woods and mountains.  and for trails that help me be brave.

i am grateful for the 24"x72" yoga mat that i can roll out anywhere and transform my body, my mind, my spirit, my day, my life.

i am grateful for the places i have not yet been and who whisper to me that there is something for me to learn there.

my most favorite completely accidental self-portrait ever:  protection, wisdom, guidance, beginnings (all these ganesh gifts)...are within.

i am grateful for the practice of choosing which space to inhabit (i.e. yogaville over target) on any given day.  i am grateful for having those options.

i am grateful for learning (still learning, still practicing) that any space (even target) can be peaceful and transformed by awareness and appreciation of its unique beauty and stories.

'tis true

i.  feel.  awesome.

and totally validated by the mirror in the ladies lounge at whole foods.

just what i needed

a gigantic mug of dirty chai.

and a little christmas color project:

my friend annie at clarity and grey (beautiful mom and photographer) is hosting a christmas color week next week.  please join us by celebrating and capturing the colors that are bringing you joy this holiday season.

monday :: silver and white
tuesday :: red
wednesday :: gold
thursday :: green
friday :: random (oh how i love a wildcard day!)

august break {№8}

upon reflection it appears i am indeed one lucky girl.

and quite grateful.

{for bella's 52 photos project.}

things i do that are weird

• i must have a blue icee whenever i'm on a roadtrip.
• that's not really the weird thing.  the weird thing is that i insist on taking a photo of my blue tongue every single time.  and totally crack myself up over the whole affair.  the collection of blue tongues would have made a very interesting travel collage and i'm sad i've deleted them.  note to self.
• also, i'm greatly pleased at how my tongue totally goes with my sunglasses in this photo.
• as i'm writing this, i realize that tongues are weird.
• no really, think about it.  they are freakin' weird.
• people think i'm reserved when they first meet me.  i must be quietly observing.
• i get mad crushes on rockstars.  i still dream of being a big-time groupie.  (i've been a small-time groupie...not so rewarding.)
• i am quietly rebellious.  take my short hair for instance.  i have great hair and it's fabulous when it's long, but i can't stand how culture dictates that women have to have long hair and how their husbands/boyfriends insist they can't cut their hair.  it's my tiny feminist protest. 
• sometimes i'm not-so-quietly rebellious.
• i think about random stuff in yoga and it makes me giggle uncontrollably, like when i was a little girl in church.  also, i can perseverate on something really stupid in yoga.  last week a partial memory from years ago flashed in my head:  a friend showing me a chopper in her garage.  it was a full-on-easy-rider-1970's-big-seat-in-back chopper.  this random memory engaged my mind for the good part of ten minutes.  so while my body was doing its best to execute standing bow pose, my brain was all, "why did she have a chopper?  where did she get it?  people don't ride choppers anymore...hey, standing bow pose is kinda chopper-esque in appearance...we are all choppers..."  then the aforementioned uncontrollable giggling.   it's humiliating. 
• it's weird that every time i type the word weird, i type it "wierd" first.
• now i can't stop looking at the word.  am i spelling this right?
• i rename other people's dogs in my own head.  also, when i'm driving down the street and see a dog, i name it.  i have a huge file of really great dog names in my head.  you should consult me before you name your dog.
• i put potato chips inside my tuna sandwiches and on top of my hotdogs.
• i watch the biggest loser while lounging on the sofa with a giant bowl of buttered popcorn.
• i've just realized that there is a need for a "things that i do that are weird, part two" post.  i'm kinda wierd. 

self-absorbed

i am all about me lately. 

it feels strange to write on my blog...clearly the most self-indulgent vehicle ever invented...that i'm taking some time to reflect on self.  i'm taking this month to explore, edit, redefine or affirm, adjust and share. 

bikram yoga has me feeling a bit like a blank canvas.  this is a really good thing.  my body has been able to release stale ideas, resentment, stress, shame and expectations.  i did not realize how much of these emotional toxins are stored in the physical body.  it feels a bit like a physical manifestation of true forgiveness.  it's not earth-shattering.  just clean.

i don't know what this exploration has in store.  this month my blog may be more of a personal journal than normal.  maybe more words, less photographs.  could be less personal, who knows?  sometimes my outward presentation is sheltering some deep work going on inside.  maybe today is the only day i will feel this way. 

what i know is that i'm paying attention.  grateful for awareness.  trying to hush the inner critic who's whispering that taking time to focus on self (and sharing it for pete's sake!) is quite indulgent and egocentric. 

yes, yes it is. 

saving my own soul

i'm still earthbound.  are you?

with all the rapture talk this weekend, i have to admit i was a little frightened.  scratch that.  a lot frightened.  so much so that i refrained from making or agreeing with funny comments about the much-predicted judgement day just in case it actually came to pass.  you see, i was raised by conservative baptist parents who truly believe that jesus will come back some day and save only those truest of believers.  they pounded me with fear of an eternity in hell and instilled in me the value that being born again coupled with regular church attendance is the only ticket to heaven.  i have vivid memories of being scared to death at age nine by the original "left behind" movie and being warned that the devil was behind such things as dancing and the study of psychology.  i remember being very confused and doubtful when told that dogs, the most consistent unconditionally loving and loyal companions i have known,  don't have souls.  i still remember the look of horror on my mother's face when i casually commented that heaven actually sounded kinda boring (especially without dogs!) and i kinda liked the challenges and quirky quandaries of life on earth.

years of spiritual exploration and exposure to people of different faiths has (mostly) quelled my end-days fears and i (almost) truly believe that each of us has the responsibility to save and nurture our own hearts, souls and lives.  still, i'm amazed at the power a certain upbringing holds over me.  from time to time, i doubt and worry that maybe i got it all wrong and jesus really does require a strict adherance to biblical doctrine in order to ascend.  then again, i've met some "christians" who make me shudder at the thought of spending all of eternity with them.  hatred and self-righteousness just can't be the ticket to eternal life. 

if it is, i guess i'm screwed, because i don't choose that.  at least all the bikram yoga will help me better tolerate the heat.

the bottom line is that i need more time.  i need more information.  i need more practice.  i need the wisdom and ability to see and accept those things that i know save me:  grace, love, truth, forgiveness, acceptance, tolerance, peace.  i need to trust my instinctual feeling, that "god" is our own internal loving, intuitive and patient north star (and not a vengeful, dictatorial and mean old-testamenty grandpa), is correct and worthy of my faith.

jesus, i need more human time please.

becoming

a beautiful message from an old faraway friend this morning started me thinking about all the people and events that shape us and reshape us into who we really are.  and that who we "really are" is forever evolving.  i'm also thinking about all the people i have loved and who have loved me because, you know...it's love week* after all.

we've always heard that you have to love yourself first before you can truly love others.  some of us are born into love and its light fills us from our very first breath.  some of us struggle a bit more to feel safe and connected in the world.  i fall into the latter group.  but as the years go by and i pay attention to all the teachers in my life (i am a very very good student), the wall around my defended heart gets chinked away at bit by bit.   the light that seeps through is warm and illuminating and pure and healing.

i accept that my journey is my journey, but i so wish that the teachers of my past...those who came into my life holding mirrors, spotlights, stories, hammers and faith...could experience the fruits of their labor.  i think of the friend who sent the message and how she deserves to be loved by the kind of friend i am now.  i think of my daughter and i wonder what differences would exist if the me i have become was the constant in her young childhood.  and so many more lovely souls who veered onto my path and walked with me for a leg of the journey need to know that i was listening and learning and becoming, even if it didn't seem so at the time.

thank you.  thank you.  thank you.

love after love

the time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. eat.
you will love again the stranger who was your self.
give wine. give bread. give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
sit. feast on your life.

-derek walcott

{*join me in celebrating a week of love:  post each day this week about any aspect of love and what it means to you.}

good friday

today is most awesome because:

• i took the day off of work
• i caught up on my dream lab assignments
• i got to take the morning yoga class (so much better than the afternoon for me!)
• in camel, i told myself, "it's okay to fall back and let your heart open."  and i did.
• i mailed my squam registration and got to wish for my dream cabin mates
• i resisted purchasing an embroidered floral dress that was incredibly marked down.  because really people, the last thing in the world i need is another embroidered floral/bohemian/exotic anything!
• i had lemon cake with a scoop of lemon gelato for lunch
• the winter sun just gently warmed my eyes open at the end of my nap
• the day's only half over

why can't every day be like this?  i hope your fridays are the awesomest too.

quietly slipping in the side door, possibly late, and i don't have the answer

so. i'm working on a piece of art inspired by my word for 2011.  i fully intended to have it plastered up here today in all its colorful glory.  that didn't work out the way i had planned.  and i'm okay with that.

my word is balance.  this self-portrait substitutes nicely for the intended art.  for me, the meaning of balance includes many of my very favorite words:  beauty, love, rest, play, courage and grace.  this post is dedicated to achieving balance at work.  there are many areas in my life that need movement toward equilibrium, but the scales are dangerously tipped for me on the job.

my yoga teacher said something in class the other day that was entirely revolutionary for me.  you see, bikram yoga classes all follow the same dialogue and routine.  you can go to any bikram class anywhere in the world and you'll get the same 90 minutes.  my teacher said that this consistency and reliability is one of the draws to bikram for some personality types.  she said that some people find it meditative to just follow directions for 90 minutes.  this really rang true for me.  ninety minutes a day when i do not have to have an answer or make any decision other than to be fully present in my practice.  friends, this is heaven to me. 

i try not to think about how at work have to have all the answers to every question known to mankind.  i hadn't realized until then how totally weary i am of being in a position of authority.   or how heavily this responsibility weighs on me, especially when i feel it's not being shared.  and how resentful i am that some are perfectly happy to remain in low-to-no-responsibility roles (or not do the work to learn how to make accurate decisions) and expect me to have the final say (sometimes with limited information) and to absorb the blame if things don't work out as expected.  keep in mind that in my work, a mistake can lead to a child being hurt or potentially killed.  we have to get it right.  no wonder i'm the dragon lady. 

enter balance.

i plan on shifting into a more supportive, less authoritative role in these work relationships. this may mean that i can no longer have or do the job i currently have.  we'll see.  in this moment, i choose to be hopeful that i can foster a team in which wisdom, decision-making and accountability are shared.  while i'm certain my fiery nature and quick-wit will never fully recede, i'm happy to evolve into less medieval monster, more puff (as in the magic dragon).  i'm open to the understanding that this could mean blissfully flying off into the sunset while someone else takes over the hot seat.

are you choosing a word for the new year?

i was here

i love the week between christmas and new year's day.  there's a magical pull to the future while looking back with gratitude and (mostly) satisfaction.  how do you acknowlege this transition? 

i do it with 'standing here' self-portraits.  i try to take at least one per month and really enjoy looking back at the places i've been and the space i inhabited.  some of them are fun and flighty and some really put me back in the emotion of that moment.

this year my feet touched both solid ground and undulating funhouse floors.  i slipped a few times and had to call at least one time-out to lie down; but mostly i stood confidently facing all the love, regret, beauty, acceptance, rejection, grace and fear.

some of the best places i stood in 2010:

• my home.  the home that loves me.
• my garden.  day or night, sun or stars, flora or snow, she always whispers, "do it."
• the cold pacific, who welcomed me home to california.
• the warm atlantic, who showed me i could stand solid even with shifting sand beneath my feet.
• bikram yoga class.
• with the most beautiful, talented, graceful women.  feeling like i belonged.
• at the door.  the same door i hovered around throughout 2009.  i'm still standing here wondering what's on the other side, trying to plan for all the possibilities and pitfalls.  i am slowly moving toward courage and away from the misconception that i can tip one toe into the unknown while the other foot holds firm in the certain.

thank you for standing with me.  where should we go in 2011?

today i am grateful for

autumn.

and stripey socks.

today i am grateful for

the freedom to express my opinion.

the curious case of the disappearing imaginary friend

a curious thing happened earlier this summer that still has me thinking about my relationship with my camera.  i love to plan trips.  so much so that sometimes the planning is more exciting to me than the actual trip.  i adore the research, the compiling, the sorting of locales, spots, eateries, the itinerary production and reproduction.  i read stories that are set in my intended destination so that i can put myself into the story once i arrive.  i clip magazine articles, photos, maps, brochures, menus.  people, i make a binder.  with tabs. 

being joined at the hip with the canon is relatively new to me.  san francisco was my first longer-than-a-weekend destination where i really planned out which experiences, scenes and images i wanted to capture.  this list, appropriately named, "things i want to photograph in san francisco", was nestled behind the second tab in the binder, only slightly less important than the flight schedules and information.  i figured i had time to immerse myself in tiny pieces of culture and click away, giving myself space and opportunity to get some really beautiful photos that held all the magic of those moments and allowed me to explore things that i'm curious about.  i thought that this is what really good travel photographers must do.  you have to have the time and you have to let yourself see and be in the moment, right?   this is quite different from the spontaneous method of photography that is my typical modus operandi.

the list included things like "line of kids waiting for ice cream cones outside of bi-rite", "a transvestite in full dress and makeup", "taco truck", and lots of other things that hold my interest in addition to "make touristy/landmarky shots creative and individual".  i wanted to return with my own visual story of san francisco.

although i returned with some lovely images (and many more lovely memories) of san francisco, i didn't get most of the shots on the list.  even though i stood in line at bi-rite and a taco truck and had a quick and fun conversation with a beautiful transvestite who would have been over-the-moon if asked for a portrait.  i didn't even take a plate shot at zuni.  i mean, how many food shots from everyday restaurants have you seen on this blog?  and then nothing when it comes to culinary perfection!  one early morning, i passed a person asleep on the sidewalk, covered head-to-toe in a cornflower blue sleeping bag.  a sweet puppy's face looked out from underneath the field of blue.  the moment took my breath away.  i stood awestruck at the tenderness and loyalty.  instead of a photo, i smiled and said a little wish for safety and better times ahead and walked away.

in the days that i've been home, i find myself looking at the list and wondering what happened.  i had the time and the equipment and san francisco gave me more than it's share of beauty, humanity, life and color to capture.  i think back to the reason i picked up the canon in the first place.  my life had become so dull to me and i wasn't seeing the beauty of it at all.  my camera taught me to see, really see, the absolute gorgeousness of everyday life.  it is my constant companion, like an imaginary friend.  this relationship was altered when i was in san francisco and i'm exploring the possible reasons behind the disconnect. 

it's still a mystery to me.

happy weekend

here is what i'll doing for certain:

capturing color

working on a painting project

staying in my own neighborhood to avoid the traffic associated with four college graduations on the same weekend

laundry

working on the crazy-lady-trip-binder for our upcoming journey to san francisco

inhaling the sultry scent of the jasmine and honeysuckle who are magically participating in synchronized blooming in my backyard

here is what i hope i'll fit in:

a petite picnic

two afternoon naps

tivo'd episodes of gossip girl and vampire diaries and oprah and sarah's house

more planting

general weekend lollygagging

what are your plans?

see you on monday for color week!

the trouble with lisa

it's all good to focus on moving forward, our strengths and all things positive. but I truly believe in order to get there, that place called who we want to be, we have to see (really see) and look at some of the things that may be holding us back. sometimes it's easier to do this in the third person (more objective); so here are some things that may be weighing lisa down:

1. her capacity for critical analysis is astounding: quick, incisive, accurate. this may serve her well if she were a physicist for NASA or serving a term on the supreme court. alas, in everyday life in virginia, it just makes her look like a bitch. a smart bitch, but a bitch nonetheless.
2. she curses like a sailor. one of those old-timey sailors with a really cool bluebird tattoo on his chest and an eyepatch and a love of good scotch.
3. she can't keep her mouth shut. couple that with often saying the things people don't want to hear and you've got yourself a winner. and a girl who's not invited to meetings.
4. she often fantasizes about being an heiress or a princess and then secretly resents her parents, her third-grade teacher and the fact that she was born on a thursday because she has to work for a living.
5. she blows off yoga for mexican food in a heartbeat.
6. she does not enjoy vegetables.
7. she has been known to throw a temper tantrum.
8. she loves (loves!) to plan and start; finish, not so much.
9. she is incredibly, mind-blowingly impatient.
10. her heart can be heavily defended at times. she sees and has seen much suffering in her little world, particularly in children. she knows there are really bad people out there. she gets protective. she gets defensive. she's challenged with leaving it at the office.

ok, there's more, but that's the gist. these are things I'm constantly working on. sometimes it feels like I don't make much progress. mostly because these characteristics are who I am. I'm working on moderation and containment.
are you ready to take a (careful, gentle, with humor) look at what may be holding you back from achieving all you want this year? I invite you to comment with one thing that may keep you from shining and then make a plan (plan!) to begin to change it.

desire

oh how I love menu item #3 on the joy diet: desire. I have zero challenge with thinking about things I desire. restraint and selflessness are really not a part of my make-up, so I spend a lot of time thinking about what I want, be it material, spiritual, emotional or who I want to be. I could happily pine away for hours stacking up want after need after lust after goal after wish. an expert dreamer, that's me.

where I struggle is organizing desires; parsing them out to determine which are pure fantasy, which are silly and which are within my reach. I will not indulge the superlong list here. this chapter of the next chapter book club was very timely in that it coincided with week one of mondo beyondo for me.

I do have one desire to share here now: I desire for this space to be a place of color, connection and camaraderie.

I'm glad you're here. I ♥ you guys!