snow day

honestly, it was a work day.

and the snow didn't start falling until around 5pm.

this is one of the delights of working (mostly) from home:  having a super flexible schedule.  being able to shut it down at 2, melt some chocolate in coconut milk, plop in a few cardamom marshmallows, cozy up on the sofa and watch two full episodes of sex and the city (from season four, my favorite).

there are a lot of challenges with working at home that i did not anticipate:

• it's hard to stay motivated to get your work done when you know you can just fit it in whenever.  the dogs (three very loud dogs) bark for ten minutes straight every single day when the mailman comes (apparently it's a daily ritual that they have enjoyed for years, and i cannot seem to convince them that the postman would be so much more impressed with a quiet greeting).   
• everyone else thinks you are available all the time.  
• it's easy to get distracted from work by housework, facebook, the need to get out in the sunshine. 

but the benefits far outweigh the challenges.  i am more productive and creative and i am completing a greater level and quality of work than i did in an office environment.  and no drama.

well, except for sex and the city.

lunch lately

when i accepted this lovely gypsy job of mine, i was a bit concerned that all the traveling would pose a huge challenge to healthy eating.  turns out, i've had the best time discovering whole foods and vegetarian restaurants in the cities i've visited.  and my lunches have never been more nourishing.

the (happy) view from here

oh hello there october.  you kinda snuck up on me this year.

i'm so glad you are here.  you make me happy.

also making me happy:

• working from home
• and the backyard (aka the technicolor dream forest), sitting crosslegged in the purple adirondak chair under the japanese maple
• biggest problem of the day:  remaining focused on curriculum and not daydreaming about creating my own labyrinth in aforementioned backyard
• working barefoot
• working in yoga pants
• watching these two
• living in a city that has a great walking and biking trail
• joyful genius babies
• exploring the lives of artists, dancers and writers previously unknown to me while working on myers-briggs for artists
• purging (everything from email subscriptions to old magazines to clothes that no longer show the world who i truly am)

what's making you happy this week?

grace in the 11th hour

i'm having serious compulsions to speak the truth and say it hot in my final days working for the government.  a huge part of my original plan was to be able to leave this work that i have loved while i still held positive feelings for it.  but what is unraveling before me is just more of the same untruthfulness, gameplaying and backhandedness and it is intensified beyond belief.  i planned to exit with grace and good feelings, passing the torch to the next brave soul, blah blah blah.  for one second, i thought just maybe i will make it through without going down in a ball of flames in a jerry maguire moment of rage-slash-inspiration.

what i am learning is that i have had a death grip on my little piece of this system for the past twenty years, overcontrolling because one: i don't want blood on my hands i don't want a child to be hurt or killed on my watch and two: someone has to have some control in this crazy place.  as i slowly pry apart my fingers, the speed at which it is all reverting to mediocrity and complacency is blinding.  i do not play the lame duck role very well.  and i am saddened to my core that the natural momentum of this system moves right back to a pretend version of the work.   i'm sure it's like this in other fields but i just thought that a little issue like children's lives would keep some energy moving forward.

i have two more weeks to go.    i need to focus in on the smaller picture:  those few i have worked with closely who share the same love and dedication for the work of child protection.  they are and always have been my saving grace in this job.   they deserve grace from me.  and i deserve a graceful exit.

i did it

i stepped off the edge of that ratty old bloom and unfurled my wings. 

i am leaving my job. 

i'm a mix of emotions right now, so i'll write more later.

i just wanted to say that my blog readers...you...have been such a support and inspiration to me as i've tried to make this decision over the past three or so years.  thank you.  you have no idea how much it means.

yogaville, part deux

we were just there last week.  but i needed to go back.  so he drove me. 

i needed some spiritual space to ponder a huge decision that has to be made this week.

i needed to be bathed in sunshine.

and nourished from the inside out. 

i needed to see people who live peacefully without the attachments (or addictions) of career and stress and the burden of always keeping up.

i needed to be seen.

i needed choices.

i needed to think about growing something other than a program that exceeds performance expectations and comes in under budget year after year.

i needed protection.

i needed to breathe in possibility. 

and exhale fear.

thank you yogaville, for once again meeting my needs.

(see the lotus shrine on the left?)

we made art

some days

i truly feel my life would be complete only if i spent $1800 on a vintage brass lotus chandelier.

that may come across as shallow, but i spend my work week absorbing children's trauma and hopelessness and holding and sorting all kinds of bureaucratic chaos.  i could simplify my job description by only seeing the good and trying really hard to look good, as many in my profession do, but i choose to see and say the (often ugly) truth and stand for what's right.  stupid girl.

some days only the prettiest things can make me feel like it's worth it.  this object of art is uncomplicated and unfeeling and unblaming and solid and just is what it is:  beautiful.  it needs nothing from me but for me to gaze adoringly.

august break {№11}

sometimes the ugliness of my work overwhelms my heart and my life and there is no room for light and joy.  sometimes i have to stand in others' trauma and chaos and i struggle with maintaining my own sense of goodness.  working on this...

holy moly

what a crazy week!  complete with clowns, bells and whistles, a dog and pony show and being bumped around a bit.  game over.

for the weekend, i'm keeping it simple:  making paletas (tamarind? watermelon? blackberry?), hunting for my next good read, yoga and lots and lots of quiet.

i hope yours is lovely and full of summer fun.

love the one you're with

if you've visited before, you've read about my longing to quit my job in child protection work and do something creative with color, images and words.  over the last few years, i've set serious intention, taken steps and even wrote a resignation letter.

and yet, i'm still here.  and then i go and take an additional teaching job dealing with the same exact grim subject. 

but here's something the teaching job does for me:  it takes me out of the daily, often hopeless, mess of the job and reminds me of its purpose and value.  and it reminds me of the reason i chose this job in the first place and why i should be proud to call it my profession.  i am a peaceful warrior for whom love and beauty and safety are within relatively easy access and i work to give little wounded souls a chance in this life.

what's not to love?

quietly slipping in the side door, possibly late, and i don't have the answer

so. i'm working on a piece of art inspired by my word for 2011.  i fully intended to have it plastered up here today in all its colorful glory.  that didn't work out the way i had planned.  and i'm okay with that.

my word is balance.  this self-portrait substitutes nicely for the intended art.  for me, the meaning of balance includes many of my very favorite words:  beauty, love, rest, play, courage and grace.  this post is dedicated to achieving balance at work.  there are many areas in my life that need movement toward equilibrium, but the scales are dangerously tipped for me on the job.

my yoga teacher said something in class the other day that was entirely revolutionary for me.  you see, bikram yoga classes all follow the same dialogue and routine.  you can go to any bikram class anywhere in the world and you'll get the same 90 minutes.  my teacher said that this consistency and reliability is one of the draws to bikram for some personality types.  she said that some people find it meditative to just follow directions for 90 minutes.  this really rang true for me.  ninety minutes a day when i do not have to have an answer or make any decision other than to be fully present in my practice.  friends, this is heaven to me. 

i try not to think about how at work have to have all the answers to every question known to mankind.  i hadn't realized until then how totally weary i am of being in a position of authority.   or how heavily this responsibility weighs on me, especially when i feel it's not being shared.  and how resentful i am that some are perfectly happy to remain in low-to-no-responsibility roles (or not do the work to learn how to make accurate decisions) and expect me to have the final say (sometimes with limited information) and to absorb the blame if things don't work out as expected.  keep in mind that in my work, a mistake can lead to a child being hurt or potentially killed.  we have to get it right.  no wonder i'm the dragon lady. 

enter balance.

i plan on shifting into a more supportive, less authoritative role in these work relationships. this may mean that i can no longer have or do the job i currently have.  we'll see.  in this moment, i choose to be hopeful that i can foster a team in which wisdom, decision-making and accountability are shared.  while i'm certain my fiery nature and quick-wit will never fully recede, i'm happy to evolve into less medieval monster, more puff (as in the magic dragon).  i'm open to the understanding that this could mean blissfully flying off into the sunset while someone else takes over the hot seat.

are you choosing a word for the new year?

today i am grateful for

moments of "exercise".

i abhor the gym.  all the sweat and grunting and bad music and silicone can ruin my day in the blink of an eye.  and the shots i had to have during batgate 2010 left my joints stiff and unpredictable.  and in all honesty, i just flat-out neglect my yoga class and really any regular fitness program. 

so when i have the opportunity to take a walk up to court during my work day, i jump on it.  it's two blocks straight up from my office and then 200-some steps. 

of course, i'm even more grateful for the walk back to the office.

p.s.  there are so many projects to make with japanese masking tape!  i'm primarily using them in some mixed media work i'm doing right now, but i also covered a plastic headband to make perfect stripes.  google "japanese masking tape projects"...there are so many wonderful ways to use it.

contemplating bigness

i spent some time this morning in a vintage globe shop that i happened upon as i drove to the farmer's market.  inside the glass door of this tiny corner storefront in my little downtown lives a variety of colorful wee worlds.  and andrew.  when i arrived, andrew was in the back studio carefully swaddling a giant antique globe in the process of restoration.  he invited me back to have a look and so commenced my first lesson in the art and love of the globe. 

i felt like i was on the best field trip ever (sans permission slip) as andrew showed me a bit of his process and talked passionately about the history of some of the globes.  as he talked and i photographed, he shared that his favorite part of the old globes was where the color is worn from someone touching a location over and over again.  erosion caused by fingers grazing a beloved homeland for instant connection or teaching a child about mozambique...tibet...phoenix or dreaming of a faraway destination in wanderlust.  i thought to myself, "here is a human being fully alive in his work."  it was beyond inspirational.

lately my own work leaves me feeling ineffective.  and silenced.  i do not believe that meeting andrew today was an accident or happenstance.  his love for his work was palpable and an energy i needed to feel.  i want that joy in my life.  i no longer want to play it small.  the color is worn on the place called bigness because i wistfully touch it over and over and over again. 

sparkle+fade

happy friday beautiful friends!

it's so lovely to have arrived at the end of this week. one more extra long work day fielding and managing interesting changes and new directions {can you detect the euphemism?} and then it's all about old french films, getting lost in a few stories, catching up with mia, making something and maybe a few luxurious naps.

my work and my life are becoming increasingly polarized. I'm curious if this signals the elusive achievement of balance or a dilemma that requires me to choose.

giving up the throne

ever since I was a child, people told me I was a natural leader. what I've learned since then is all this means is I have some energy, the ability to persuade people to do things and an instinctual bend toward being a total bossypants.

I've been an "official" leader for just over three years now. in that time, I've learned that there are three really distinct parts of leadership. I only excel at the first one: having and communicating a vision and team mobilization.

I'm currently working on the middle and most difficult phase of leadership: maintaining excellence and momentum. and I absolutely suck at this. once the excitement and newness of a "mission" has passed, the real work of team development and growth begins. this requires copious amounts of patience and acceptance of setbacks; not my strong suits. I am easily frustrated that people don't stick to the vision. and I have to say I've had my share of imperious "let them eat cake" moments. like I said, I'm working on it...

lately I've been thinking about the third phase of leadership: letting go of control and passing on the reins. the happiest moments of my work day are when staff show brilliance to the point that I'm confident they can one day take over and continue to move the team forward. so when I have those moments of dreaming about retirement or fantasizing about the perfect vision/mobilization-only job, I know that I can walk away in peace.

mosaic sunday

hi everyone! I'm leaving for the d.c. area today for the week. did I ever tell you that I'm part of a great team that teaches child abuse professionals to interview kids? we'll have a class of detectives, prosecutors and child protective social workers for the week. I love the program and I love the rest of the faculty, so I always look forward to these training weeks.

what I don't look forward to is the sense of secondary trauma I leave with at the end of the week. it's a solid 5 days of sexual abuse, violent crime and hurt kids. it can be a bit much (in the real job, you get it in bits and pieces, so there's plenty of recovery time). and part of my job is to keep the class interested and committed in doing this important but difficult work.

hence, the happy kid photos. I hope these smiles inoculate me this week and bring you a big dose of joy. the knowledge of what some people do to children's bodies and spirits can impact my psyche in a huge way. it's a delicate balance, to stay with the real material and be resilient to its effect. I will miss you all and will try to check in throughout the week.

{click here for flickr photo credits.}

p.s. click here to see the heart-wrenching video we start the week with (there are religious overtones, but the message is important). if you have the opportunity this week, make a child feel loved and protected.

the rules of the game

when I shot this photo, I imagined a sweet little post about lazy saturday afternoons spent playing bocce in my bare feet. the thunderstorm of work this week has made that seem so very far away. therefore, (please bear with me) another vent.

I deal a lot with attorneys and other legal professionals at work in the child abuse field. I have deep regard for the law and the rights we are awarded in this nation. I have reverence for the system of law in place and I still get that heavy proud feeling when I enter a court of law. I value the rights of a family and privacy and parents to make decisions for their own children. until their children are hurt intentionally.

I wonder how the rules changed. is it where I live? are there remnants of good-old-boy law here? I am frustrated with those who feel their job is to take the truth, deconstruct and distort it and rebuild it into something that serves the purpose of their client. a man takes my observations (my reality) and turns it into something deceitful and construed for my own selfish purposes (although they can't really explain how I am personally being served by this other than my wicked desire to mess with other people's lives). is this what legal representation is meant to do? is it meant to protect rights or protect those who hurt children?

huge changes need to happen. I'm trying to decide if I am up for the fight.

some days

I carry it around on my hip.

that's right: tired-momma style.

frothy + bothered

with the full moon, early time change (whacked out circadian rhythms all around!) and sky-rocketing recession-panic-induced child abuse, I've barely kept my head above the surface this week. to top it off: friday the 13th.


the weekend is looking awfully bright in comparison.