Saturday, January 1, 2011

quietly slipping in the side door, possibly late, and i don't have the answer

so. i'm working on a piece of art inspired by my word for 2011.  i fully intended to have it plastered up here today in all its colorful glory.  that didn't work out the way i had planned.  and i'm okay with that.

my word is balance.  this self-portrait substitutes nicely for the intended art.  for me, the meaning of balance includes many of my very favorite words:  beauty, love, rest, play, courage and grace.  this post is dedicated to achieving balance at work.  there are many areas in my life that need movement toward equilibrium, but the scales are dangerously tipped for me on the job.

my yoga teacher said something in class the other day that was entirely revolutionary for me.  you see, bikram yoga classes all follow the same dialogue and routine.  you can go to any bikram class anywhere in the world and you'll get the same 90 minutes.  my teacher said that this consistency and reliability is one of the draws to bikram for some personality types.  she said that some people find it meditative to just follow directions for 90 minutes.  this really rang true for me.  ninety minutes a day when i do not have to have an answer or make any decision other than to be fully present in my practice.  friends, this is heaven to me. 

i try not to think about how at work have to have all the answers to every question known to mankind.  i hadn't realized until then how totally weary i am of being in a position of authority.   or how heavily this responsibility weighs on me, especially when i feel it's not being shared.  and how resentful i am that some are perfectly happy to remain in low-to-no-responsibility roles (or not do the work to learn how to make accurate decisions) and expect me to have the final say (sometimes with limited information) and to absorb the blame if things don't work out as expected.  keep in mind that in my work, a mistake can lead to a child being hurt or potentially killed.  we have to get it right.  no wonder i'm the dragon lady. 

enter balance.

i plan on shifting into a more supportive, less authoritative role in these work relationships. this may mean that i can no longer have or do the job i currently have.  we'll see.  in this moment, i choose to be hopeful that i can foster a team in which wisdom, decision-making and accountability are shared.  while i'm certain my fiery nature and quick-wit will never fully recede, i'm happy to evolve into less medieval monster, more puff (as in the magic dragon).  i'm open to the understanding that this could mean blissfully flying off into the sunset while someone else takes over the hot seat.

are you choosing a word for the new year?