Friday, June 15, 2012

grace in the 11th hour

i'm having serious compulsions to speak the truth and say it hot in my final days working for the government.  a huge part of my original plan was to be able to leave this work that i have loved while i still held positive feelings for it.  but what is unraveling before me is just more of the same untruthfulness, gameplaying and backhandedness and it is intensified beyond belief.  i planned to exit with grace and good feelings, passing the torch to the next brave soul, blah blah blah.  for one second, i thought just maybe i will make it through without going down in a ball of flames in a jerry maguire moment of rage-slash-inspiration.

what i am learning is that i have had a death grip on my little piece of this system for the past twenty years, overcontrolling because one: i don't want blood on my hands i don't want a child to be hurt or killed on my watch and two: someone has to have some control in this crazy place.  as i slowly pry apart my fingers, the speed at which it is all reverting to mediocrity and complacency is blinding.  i do not play the lame duck role very well.  and i am saddened to my core that the natural momentum of this system moves right back to a pretend version of the work.   i'm sure it's like this in other fields but i just thought that a little issue like children's lives would keep some energy moving forward.

i have two more weeks to go.    i need to focus in on the smaller picture:  those few i have worked with closely who share the same love and dedication for the work of child protection.  they are and always have been my saving grace in this job.   they deserve grace from me.  and i deserve a graceful exit.