i'm having serious compulsions to speak the truth and say it hot in my final days working for the government. a huge part of my original plan was to be able to leave this work that i have loved while i still held positive feelings for it. but what is unraveling before me is just more of the same untruthfulness, gameplaying and backhandedness and it is intensified beyond belief. i planned to exit with grace and good feelings, passing the torch to the next brave soul, blah blah blah. for one second, i thought just maybe i will make it through without going down in a ball of flames in a jerry maguire moment of rage-slash-inspiration.
what i am learning is that i have had a death grip on my little piece of this system for the past twenty years, overcontrolling because one:
i have two more weeks to go. i need to focus in on the smaller picture: those few i have worked with closely who share the same love and dedication for the work of child protection. they are and always have been my saving grace in this job. they deserve grace from me. and i deserve a graceful exit.
5 comments:
Lisa, this, all of this, is why the system, your team and those children are going to be so much poorer for you no longer being there. When I read this my admiration for your dedication and how you've held it together, for so long, increases beyond measure. Passion, righteousness and grace - often at odds in places like this. So sad when the stakes are so high.
Now is your time. For doing what you need to do, for you. If it's grace you need, then that's what I wish for you. I'm not surprised that in your case it's underpinned with a little fieriness though! It's what makes you, you.
Oh my Lisa, you and both know what you have said speaks to me at my core. You inspired me to so the best I could do for our children. You taught me what it was to be kind and thoughtful and protective and respectful to our parents and families even in the toughest of times.
Sadly the passion, dedication, and heart you have put into your work every day is not shared by all in this line of work. I know from direct experience though that your passion and dedication can spread and infect others in such a postivie way that it will live on in others.
As I read this post I had a vision of you and your spirit for this job as forcefield reaching out as far as it can, but in reality it can not reach everyone. Now that you, the current keeper of this forcefield are exiting, it is shrinking, retreating. No one can take your place. No one. But there will be others who you've inspired, loved, nurtured, and taught who will take up the cause. I tried too in your honor. Others will too.
please leave know you truly effected change. You saved lives. You gave grace. You are a beautiful soul for the work you have done. You can now be a brave soul and allow your other passions time to flourish.
xoxox
I so understand what you are talking about and what you are feeling. Though my job/ career is a bit different than yours, being an elem teacher in a low socio-economic school district, with special education ( and its inevitable issues...) i am frequently disillusioned, frustrated, angry, and attacked. There are days that I cry, days that I struggle not to run screaming, and days that I actually feel that I make a difference. If I could retire at the end of next week, yes, I would. But not because I dont love teaching and helping children, but because the so-called rules...are just so abused and the...ignorance. The Growing lack of responsible parenting makes me sick.
i know i will be rereading all of these words over the next few weeks and beyond. they really mean a lot.
kenda-i followed your lead and your bravery inspired me to try on a new kind of life.
hope-your words mean so much more to me because we fought in the trenches together. i loved that part of my career. we held each other's hand through one of the worst cases i ever had. thank you for that. thank you for knowing and holding a piece of my history and showing it to me when i get lost in the sadness.
kathy-oh love, those kids are my heart and soul. please continue to love and nurture them and give them the vision of a fuller life. but i totally hear you. i don't know how many times i've said over the years, "really, you'd think the child abuse would be the worst part of this job."
I didn't work in children's services, I worked as an attorney in the Energy dept. I finished about a dozen decisions in my final couple of weeks, leaving each one in final draft form for whomever inherited my cases, so they'd be able to claim credit. I was so burned out and disillusioned from the dysfunction in the office that I wanted to sit and let my brain idle for those final weeks, but decided to take the high road.
I admire anyone that can endure and be of service despite the office politics and dysfunction.
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