yoga body buddha mind

one of a million things i've discovered about myself during my 20-some-year yoga journey is that i need a big dose of spiritual with my asana.  while i experienced many benefits from hot yoga and love my bikram teachers, i needed more heart yoga.  the body-mind was all there and then some; for me, not so much the -spirit.  (ken loves doing bikram yoga and others have told me that the spiritual practice of bikram is the discipline and routine.  unfortunately, feeling spiritual in the hot room was as elusive to me as the endorphine rush that runners supposedly get that makes running feel good.)

i can't tell you how excited i was when i learned last summer that om yoga founder and teacher cyndi lee would be moving to our sweet town.  her partner is the president of randolph college where ken teaches (and me, once in a while).  she's been teaching yoga at a local studio between her numerous teaching gigs around the world.

i jumped at the opportunity to join cyndi's three-day workshop yoga body buddha mind.  i have collected bits of buddhist guidance here and there throughout my life, but the practice and my understanding of it felt a little fragmented and unknit to me.  i feel a pull toward buddhism and an intuitive knowledge that there is material and process there that i need in this life.

before the workshop began on friday, i felt some resistance (shocking, i know) and the options for excusing myself from the experience started rolling through my head.  since this summer (um, life) is all about examining and working through my resistance, i did some quick journaling and then made myself get in the car.  i pulled up to this sign.  it's a normal sign, but really felt powerful to me.

yoga participant.

yes, that's me.

once i entered the room there was no going back.  and i am so happy i entered.

cyndi has a teaching style that i really resonate with.  her level of expertise is mindblowing; she has so much knowledge and wisdom in both yoga and buddhism.  she is also very down-to-earth and direct in her teaching style, not afraid to ask tough questions that help students recognize and move through their resistance, while still being supportive and emotionally present for her students.  she brings stories, a great sense of humor and the willingness to play.

we worked hard.  you can always tell when i am especially focused and present because there are few photographs.

turns out, a big chunk of the workshop was looking at resistance from the perspective of this ancient practice.  which, by the way, is the actual beginning of looking at resistance.  hello attachment, aversion and ignorance (in buddhism, the three afflictions), you are foundation of modern social work and mental health practice.

while my memory card may be light, my mind, heart and notebook are overflowing with new wisdom, new practices, a new direction.

my view from savasana included the brilliant midsummer sky through 12-foot french windows, a tree that housed the bird who gently challenged my practice by chirping louder and louder and louder and louder and louder during mindfulness meditation, and this large ink-on-paper chinese calligraphy piece with the taoist characters wu wei: non-action or not-doing.

this is us (not me, i have the camera) post-workshop.  i really wish i would have thought to snap a group photo at the beginning of the weekend to see the changes in our faces and beings. by sunday afternoon we were completely blissed-out and full of new practices and new questions for life.

i am looking forward to doing more work with cyndi.  i am grateful that she is here.

sunday grace (on a saturday)

don't you love it when you hear a message, perhaps one you've heard a million times before, and it suddenly resonates and shifts your thinking?  maybe this time it is presented with language that speaks to you or it is delivered by just the right messenger, someone you respect and admire.  or maybe this time life events have swirled into the perfect magical vortex of time and space and experience and in this moment the message radiates with glowing truth in the center.  maybe your mind became quiet and still and open enough to finally hear it.  maybe it's grace in action.

a big part of my focus on aliveness this year involves paying attention to and exploring those things that keep me from living the life i want, from being the human i intend to be.  a resource that has been extremely helpful to me is jen louden's book, the life organizer.  jen was one of the facilitators at the creative joy retreat i attended last october.  especially resonant for me in jen's work is the concept of shadow comforts, those things we dive into when we are overwhelmed, bored, anxious, sad.  food and sleep are two of my comfiest shadow comforts; they tend to get the most airplay around these parts.  but as i explore more, i am noticing other more subtle, more insidious shadow comforts i run to on a regular basis.  one that i'm paying particular attention to is being right.

what i love about jen's message it that we don't have to abandon or give up our shadow comforts, because often they are valid components to a life well-lived.  what we need to do is pay attention to when and why we choose them; partner with them for understanding rather than battle them for domination.  this mind shift is a pure moment of grace for me.

jen louden is teaching the life organizer navigation course starting later this month.  i'll be there, doing the work, paying attention, soaking up grace and wisdom, moving into aliveness.

gratitude {№6}

grateful for the company of good, strong, smart, talented, peaceful women.

(creative joy, garrison, ny; october 2013; photo by tracey clark.)

creative joy

last week i journeyed to new york's breathtaking hudson valley to attend the creative joy retreat.  it was four luscious days filled with love, yoga, play, writing, photography, laughter, rest, tea, dance and stories.

i cannot conjure sufficient adjectives to give written justice to the october beauty of this space.  our retreat was held at the garrison institute, an old monastery made of stone and stained glass and a thousand seeking souls that now holds programs of contemplative practice. the grounds are expansive and include woods, trails, a garden, a labyrinth, bamboo groves and an opportunity at every turn to be one with your thoughts.

the beautiful jane lafazio, filling up her sketchbook.

tiny blooming miracles:  flowers in late october.

practicing being fully present and attuned to the beauty inside and out, asking myself the question, "what do you want?" and acting on the answer without apology or explanation...these are the things that filled my days.

these two bright spirits are half of team aliveness, our small group in which we practiced witnessing, not fixing.

A is for awesome.  and aliveness.  and awareness.  and answers.

giving fears, negativity, criticism, etc. to the minion to hold is one of many little practices i'm bringing home with me.

i find myself struggling to find the words to describe the experience.  i believe it's because i allowed myself to be fully present and truly experience the retreat and the kindreds who gathered.  i did not feel the need to document (either with camera or pen) every single minute with an eye toward blogging about it.

also several of my experiences were just simply beyond description.

thank you thank you beautiful brilliant women of creative joy.

thank you jen louden, marianne elliott and tracey clark for bringing us together and creating a program so deeply meaningful, fun and unexpected.

jumpstart

autumn is my new year.  i've said it before and each year it becomes more clear.  it's in the air dancing with the tiny golden leaves, crisp breezes and soft scent of campfire:  change.  it is the time for renewal and transition and jumpstarting.  do you feel this way too?

last night i was lucky to be a part of my friend and squam cabinmate jess greene's jumpstart creativity tour.  (side note:  i swear wayonda 2009 was the magic cabin.)  i am so in awe of jess and have been endlessly inspired by her ideas and journey.  she's travelling around the country, stopping at different cities to get people making art.  (what?!  i know!)  there are a few east coast cities left on the tour.  go if you get the opportunity.  you will be happy you did.

over the last few months, i've been pulling together materials for my myers-briggs for artists program and i am endlessly fascinated with the concept of intuition.  my intuition (in this context defined as my worldview and what i know and trust to be true) was smothered in my prior job.  since leaving, i'm exploring letting my intuition run wild, seeing what unfolds, playing with the ideas and imaginations that come up, living my intuition.  it just feels good.  and true.

i've also been exploring my apache heritage, a long-ignored but essential part of who i am.  this little piece is my touchstone honoring the connections between intuition, creating, culture and the wild spirits of my ancestors.

scarcity, abundance and quelling the voracious wants

this week many of my friends will be heading up to the woods of new hampshire to attend squam art workshops.  since first attending this magical gathering in 2009, i have made an annual trip to one of the retreats in new hampshire or the outer banks.  (see some of the magic here, here, here and here.)  i can just feel their anticipation of the hugs, laughter, long talks on the dock, art, ice cream, yoga, music and love. 

i so want to be there.  i even cried a little last night thinking about all that i will miss.

but i made a choice a few months ago that in order to leave my job, some things i enjoy would need to be cut postponed.  (interestingly, the decision to leave my job and my paycheck was based on the fact that it just cost too much, and i consider it to be my first and best mindful decision about value.)  the list of go-withouts is long.  until this last week, it hasn't been that bad and i've considered being frugal graceful with my money a fun challenge, totally doable and even rewarding. 

two things changed that:  the nearness of squam and the freaking deluge of fall catalogs arriving daily in my postbox.  autumn is my favorite time to shop.  i love boots and sweaters and coats and luscious items for my winter nest.  i am in serious want mode.  acquiring these things is evidence that i am not poor.  but this year i will go without.  and i have fallen so far down the scarcity rabbit hole that i feel impoverished, lacking, less than. 

that could not be farther from the truth.  i know that i have an abundant life, that i am rich in spirit and love and beauty.  i know that i don't have to worry about my bills being paid or a roof over my head.  i know i am spoiled.  and i feel entitled to being spoiled because i have known many times in my life when i had to scrounge for seventy-five cents in order to ride the bus to work (sometimes i had to walk) and when i had to feed myself and my child three-for-a-dollar-bean-and-potato burritos for days on end and when i had to carry my sleeping girl and my bookbags a mile from the bus stop to our home in a not-so-safe neighborhood on cold dark nights.  i get poverty.

and i also get that i remain in a poverty mindset.  that just using words like spoiled and entitled indicate a belief that if i am not that (spoiled and entitled), then i am by default impoverished.

i'm working on it, trying to find the middle ground, the balance, the equanimity between scarcity and abundance.  i've increased my awareness of how i waste money on things i don't need and really don't want.  i want it to not be about money, but money and having and acquisition keep coming up as the central themes. 

so today i am working on quelling the voracious wants.  i do this by sitting in the gorgeous sunshine, taking slow deep breaths of precious clean air, feeding myself with truly nourishing foods, reading one of the books in our ridiculously abundant library (of many unread books), using what i already have, loving my family, wishing my friends a truly beautiful time at squam and recognizing how truly lucky i am in this life.

this prosperity series on intuitive bridge is also nourishing me.

i'm interested in how you are graceful with your money and any advice you have on quelling the wants and living an abundant life.

serendipity part two: color

{captured while at serendipity.}

serendipitous

i needed rest and peace and space and creating and connecting with kindreds.

i received this and so much more.

i'm still softly resting in a good internal place so i'll apply what i learned in kate's writing class and not let the words get in the way of the story.

{captured while at serendipity.}